I want to talk about relapse and my triggers today. I relapsed 3 times this year my first year trying to get clean. After using and being used by drugs for over 30 years. After taking a serious look at why this keeps happening I’ve come up with a few reasons.
1. I stopped working my program.
2. Self doubt / Self pity / Selfishness
3. Forgetting the pain and misery
4. I was no longer Honest, Open minded nor willing.
1. MY PROGRAM
That’s just the tip of the iceberg. I could keep going but I want to focus on these right now.
I’ve come to realize how important making meetings and doing step work is to my recovery. I know for a fact that the minute I stopped working my program my addiction started to go to work on getting me back. So I know that I must make my meetings share what I am going through and continue my step work. After all why go to meetings if you are not going to share to me that in my mind is like having a reservation.
2. LOW SELF ESTEEM
I have a low self esteem which played a major part in my relapses. I begin to doubt that I can do this, that I cannot stay clean. Its impossible I would tell myself. Then the pity sets in. I am a loser, I am not good enough, I have failed at everything so why even bother to try. I have never accomplished anything. So my mind played me right back into using. I might as well go ahead and use because it will make me feel better. That I am never going to amount to anything anyway so stop kidding myself. After all that then the I can do this without making meetings, I don’t need these people telling me what to do. They don’t know me how can they help me. I can control my usage. I am better off by myself anyway. ALL LIES. I know better than that today. I know that I do need the people in NA. I know that I CAN DO THIS. I know that I AM SOMEBODY, I AM SMART, I AM NOT A LOSER, IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE, I AM GOOD ENOUGH. So now I am on a positive affirmations habit. I tell myself good things, that I am whatever I want to be. And its all good.
I suffer from CRS. Can’t Remember Shit. That is one of my biggest problems. Forgetting the pain and suffering and only remembering the so called good times. Now here’s the crazy part, the good times don’t even exist anymore. So trying to relive something that you know doesn’t exist anymore is crazy. I have to play the memory tapes all the way through because in the middle of those tapes are the horrors I went through, the shame, the embarrassment, the degrading moments I need to keep up front. All the disappointments, all the misery. I MUST REMEMBER THE PAIN.
Honesty play its usual role, it wasn’t there at all. I had a little clean time but wasn’t being very honest about my life. Even after I relapsed I lied about clean time and my feelings and just about everything else. I had myself believing the lies I told. I began being closed to suggestions, ideas about staying clean were replaced with thoughts of using. Willingness to stay clean no matter what didn’t exist anymore. I became willing to do whatever to get that next hit. I didn’t care about going back to prison or anything else. I was back in the full swing of my addiction.
The biggest lie of all is I CAN DO THIS ALONE. I remember thinking that to myself on several occasions. The problem with that is my thinking is what got me here. When I am alone in my head its not pretty. What’s worse is believing I really could do this alone. I have been a loner almost all my life. I never felt like I belonged anywhere. In my active addiction it was even worse. I would sit alone using, paranoid all the time, slipping further and further from reality. I don’t like being lonely and don’t know anyone who does. But addiction has ruined every relationship I ever had, mainly because of my self centeredness. Today I look forward to being around people like me. I finally feel like I belong somewhere. Thanks to the rooms of NA.
I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT EVEN AFTER ALL THAT. I WENT BACK OUT TO TEST THE WATERS AGAIN AND AGAIN UNTIL OCTOBER 26, 2013.
PEACE AND BLESSINGS