Here is another one of my older posts. This was just before I came back to the rooms for the 4th and final time back in March of 2013. I am grateful for the opportunities that recovery has afforded me. Sharing my struggles helps not only me but anyone who might be thinking that they just can’t stay clean. I remember having the same thoughts. Boy was I wrong…

MARCH 2013


Good morning and God bless. I always try to start my day by thanking God for his guidance and strength. I on the other hand don’t always listen for that guidance or use the strength and that causes unnecessary pain and suffering. I have to learn how to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that keep me running from myself. Lol Thats a funny statement RUNNING FROM MYSELF. It actually makes no sense because no matter where I go there I am. So why do I think that using is an escape.

Using is not the answer but it always seems to be the best solution until I actually use and all the pain is refunded immediately and THEN I realize what a bad decision it was. I have to work harder at realizing before no u have to work on not giving in to those thoughts and feelings because there were times that I realized it wasn’t a good idea and did it anyway.

I need help with sticking and staying. I need help with learning how to stop running. I need help with reaching out to people when I know I’m on that slippery slope. I need to start being that person who I only dream of being. That person who cares about others and practices living the principals of the NA program. I know he’s in there and I need to become him. He that is not the giant of my dreams, not the great I AM. No the other me. Humble servant of God and others.

I will start to practice getting through feelings without using one day at a time. I know that a better life awaits and if I can stop running and use the tools given to me so freely by others in the fellowship I know that I too can enjoy a life without the use of drugs.

I want to thank all those who stood and still stand by me. I appreciate all that you do. Your patience, care and concern is teaching me how to live a unselfish life. I will freely give it back as it is given to me. That is a lesson I will never forget.

As my journey continues I will continue to share. It has been a difficult one so far but believe it or not I am getting better.Today is better than yesterday and yesterday was better than the day before that. So in essence things are getting better one day at a time.

I still haven’t figured out why I hate myself so much. Maybe hate is too strong a word. Why I do not love myself enough to deny the urges to use. I thought I was working my program to the best of my ability and then BAM. Its like everything I accomplished went right out the window.

I have fallen and am having a difficult time getting up but I do know what was working so I do know what needs to be done. My problem is consistency. How do I maintain consistency even when I don’t feel like it. My disease plays on the fact that I have never stuck to any one thing for to long. I start off gun ho and then fizzle to a grinding halt. How do I change this character defect?

I know that change doesn’t happen over night, I also know change is uncomfortable and scary. I need to learn how to work through those uncomfortable feelings and keep moving forward.

I will return to the rooms of NA again.

This will be RECOVERY PART 4.

I will never give up. I don’t care what other people think or say about my continuing to return to the scene of the crime (my relapse). This is my story,  my process, my life.


Thank you for allowing me to share.



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