Here is another one of my older posts. This was just before I came back to the rooms for the 4th and final time back in March of 2013. I am grateful for the opportunities that recovery has afforded me. Sharing my struggles helps not only me but anyone who might be thinking that they just can’t stay clean. I remember having the same thoughts. Boy was I wrong…
Good morning and God bless. I always try to start my day by thanking God for his guidance and strength. I on the other hand don’t always listen for that guidance or use the strength and that causes unnecessary pain and suffering. I have to learn how to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that keep me running from myself. Lol Thats a funny statement RUNNING FROM MYSELF. It actually makes no sense because no matter where I go there I am. So why do I think that using is an escape.
Using is not the answer but it always seems to be the best solution until I actually use and all the pain is refunded immediately and THEN I realize what a bad decision it was. I have to work harder at realizing before no u have to work on not giving in to those thoughts and feelings because there were times that I realized it wasn’t a good idea and did it anyway.
I need help with sticking and staying. I need help with learning how to stop running. I need help with reaching out to people when I know I’m on that slippery slope. I need to start being that person who I only dream of being. That person who cares about others and practices living the principals of the NA program. I know he’s in there and I need to become him. He that is not the giant of my dreams, not the great I AM. No the other me. Humble servant of God and others.
I will start to practice getting through feelings without using one day at a time. I know that a better life awaits and if I can stop running and use the tools given to me so freely by others in the fellowship I know that I too can enjoy a life without the use of drugs.
I want to thank all those who stood and still stand by me. I appreciate all that you do. Your patience, care and concern is teaching me how to live a unselfish life. I will freely give it back as it is given to me. That is a lesson I will never forget.
As my journey continues I will continue to share. It has been a difficult one so far but believe it or not I am getting better.Today is better than yesterday and yesterday was better than the day before that. So in essence things are getting better one day at a time.
I still haven’t figured out why I hate myself so much. Maybe hate is too strong a word. Why I do not love myself enough to deny the urges to use. I thought I was working my program to the best of my ability and then BAM. Its like everything I accomplished went right out the window.
I have fallen and am having a difficult time getting up but I do know what was working so I do know what needs to be done. My problem is consistency. How do I maintain consistency even when I don’t feel like it. My disease plays on the fact that I have never stuck to any one thing for to long. I start off gun ho and then fizzle to a grinding halt. How do I change this character defect?
I know that change doesn’t happen over night, I also know change is uncomfortable and scary. I need to learn how to work through those uncomfortable feelings and keep moving forward.
I will return to the rooms of NA again.
This will be RECOVERY PART 4.
I will never give up. I don’t care what other people think or say about my continuing to return to the scene of the crime (my relapse). This is my story, my process, my life.
I WILL RECOVER.
Thank you for allowing me to share.