It is important for me to never forget what it took for me to get to where I am today. My journey from active addiction to recovery was a long, hard uphill battle. I struggled with myself and fought tooth and nail to hold on to a belief system that was broken and outdated. Growing up with a false sense of pride and misdirection.  I quickly became angry and resentful at any and everything that didn’t fit into my warped way of thinking 💭.

Feeling like no one understood me and feeling like I didn’t fit in anywhere I distanced myself from everyone. I was at a loss for words to describe how I felt. I couldn’t understand why I always felt alienated and like a outcast and I decided to stop trying. I created my own world. Fantasy Island. A place where nothing and no one else mattered. I finally found a place where I belonged. I locked🔒 myself away in a tower deep within my own mind. I didn’t realize that I sentenced myself to life in prison without the possibility of parole.

Life became a very lonely place. Isolation almost drove me to a death sentence. I have to admit that I was fine with it. I welcomed death in fact wished it upon myself many times. My journey was dark and loaded with desperation and despair. Little did I know then, but I was living a lie. I was being guided by a lower power that was trying to destroy me. It almost succeeded. I almost killed the wrong person.

I was granted a pardon when I found recovery. A reprieve from my self imposed death sentence. I make no mistake about it. I know it was devine intervention. I know that my Higher Power stepped in and changed the direction of my life. I cannot take any credit for getting here. I give thanks every day for this second/hundredth chance. I have learned so much and have so much more to learn. I am no longer able to use the excuses that I didn’t know. I cannot go back to not knowing. I am aware of the consequences of my actions and I know that it takes willingness and work to maintain my recovery on a daily basis.

If I choose to forget where I came from. I will choose to return to where I came from.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease



Here is another one of my older posts. This was just before I came back to the rooms for the 4th and final time back in March of 2013. I am grateful for the opportunities that recovery has afforded me. Sharing my struggles helps not only me but anyone who might be thinking that they just can’t stay clean. I remember having the same thoughts. Boy was I wrong…

MARCH 2013


Good morning and God bless. I always try to start my day by thanking God for his guidance and strength. I on the other hand don’t always listen for that guidance or use the strength and that causes unnecessary pain and suffering. I have to learn how to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that keep me running from myself. Lol Thats a funny statement RUNNING FROM MYSELF. It actually makes no sense because no matter where I go there I am. So why do I think that using is an escape.

Using is not the answer but it always seems to be the best solution until I actually use and all the pain is refunded immediately and THEN I realize what a bad decision it was. I have to work harder at realizing before no u have to work on not giving in to those thoughts and feelings because there were times that I realized it wasn’t a good idea and did it anyway.

I need help with sticking and staying. I need help with learning how to stop running. I need help with reaching out to people when I know I’m on that slippery slope. I need to start being that person who I only dream of being. That person who cares about others and practices living the principals of the NA program. I know he’s in there and I need to become him. He that is not the giant of my dreams, not the great I AM. No the other me. Humble servant of God and others.

I will start to practice getting through feelings without using one day at a time. I know that a better life awaits and if I can stop running and use the tools given to me so freely by others in the fellowship I know that I too can enjoy a life without the use of drugs.

I want to thank all those who stood and still stand by me. I appreciate all that you do. Your patience, care and concern is teaching me how to live a unselfish life. I will freely give it back as it is given to me. That is a lesson I will never forget.

As my journey continues I will continue to share. It has been a difficult one so far but believe it or not I am getting better.Today is better than yesterday and yesterday was better than the day before that. So in essence things are getting better one day at a time.

I still haven’t figured out why I hate myself so much. Maybe hate is too strong a word. Why I do not love myself enough to deny the urges to use. I thought I was working my program to the best of my ability and then BAM. Its like everything I accomplished went right out the window.

I have fallen and am having a difficult time getting up but I do know what was working so I do know what needs to be done. My problem is consistency. How do I maintain consistency even when I don’t feel like it. My disease plays on the fact that I have never stuck to any one thing for to long. I start off gun ho and then fizzle to a grinding halt. How do I change this character defect?

I know that change doesn’t happen over night, I also know change is uncomfortable and scary. I need to learn how to work through those uncomfortable feelings and keep moving forward.

I will return to the rooms of NA again.

This will be RECOVERY PART 4.

I will never give up. I don’t care what other people think or say about my continuing to return to the scene of the crime (my relapse). This is my story,  my process, my life.


Thank you for allowing me to share.