In active addiction. The world 🌍 owed me everything. I was done wrong. I was entitled to reimbursement for all my pain, misery and suffering. I was damn sure going to collect every dime from every one of yall too. I had it all figured out and all was going to be fine. Wow. Talk about delusional.
I blamed every one and every thing for my situations, circumstances and all my outcomes. Never once taking any responsibility for they way my life turned out. For the decisions that I myself made. And even when all the evidence pointed at me from every direction. I still blamed you. I was unable to conceive or comprehend that I was the problem. It was unthinkable, unspeakable and definitely unbelievable.
That was the mind of a mad man. The insanity was real and so was the struggle. In the end. No.. way before the end when I was finally able to admit it to myself. I still couldn’t admit it to anyone else. I suffered because when I needed help, ego and image still ruled. Even when my life was at its worse. I couldn’t become humble and ask for help. I didn’t know how. I didn’t know that it was OK to ask for help. That it’s not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of true strength.
I am finding freedom now that I am learning to let go of all the nonsense that I was taught and have come to believe. I have been blessed to find a new way. A way that works as long as I get involved and not sit back and act like I am owed something. It works when I am a active participant in my own life. When I strive to make a difference and take part in the active change of my own situations and circumstances and see the difference in the outcomes.
The world and it’s residents don’t owe me shit. Actually it’s the other way around.
I have been feeling very ill lately. In the last 3 months I have been sick 3 maybe 4 times. That is 3 times too many. I have never and I mean NEVER. Been this sick that many times back to back. I would average 1 major cold a year.
I went to the doctors office had a consultation, did some blood work and have been given some antibiotics. After filling my prescription and sitting home reading the side effects that’s when it hit me. I was given a prescription a couple of months ago from another doctor and one of the possible side effects was lowers your immune system.
So I remember that I had gotten really sick just before Christmas and as a result I never finished taking the rest of the pills. My body has not been able to fight off a cold since. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out why all of a sudden I kept getting sick. I kept asking myself what changed in the last 5-6 months and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I know it wasn’t from my new relationship (or was it) Hey. Don’t judge me. I’m an addict. Everything crosses my mind and yes even the worse thoughts imaginable don’t seem to far fetched when I stay in that playground too long. Anyway I know better and it was definitely not from my relationship.
It’s funny how you go to get help from the doctor for one problem and the medicine that I am prescribed causes more problems. I am grateful that I finally have some personal closure on the cause. I’m no doctor but with a little deductive reasoning I was able to narrow down the playing field. I am still awaiting blood results and when I go back I will tell the doctors what I’ve discovered.
I have to admit. I was beginning to think that something was seriously wrong and work myself into a addict induced frenzy of despair, doom and gloom. Thank goodness I am out of that darkness..