REPOST: MARCH 2, 2012


FEAR OF SUCCESS.

105 DAYS CLEAN

Any form of success was frightening and unfamiliar.
Basic Text, p. 14

Just for today:

I will take time to savor my successes. I will share my victories with an attitude of gratitude.

Hello and God Bless You.

Frightening and unfamiliar are two words I know all too well. I have been afraid to move forward for years. Anytime I would advance in anything I would somehow or another fuck it up. I can’t tell you how many times I have lost great jobs, destroyed great relationships, relapsed after doing so well. The list goes on and on. I have been my own worse enemy. No matter how good things were going. No matter how happy I have been. I have always found a way to screw it up. I had got so used to being a fuck up that it became the norm. I actually started believing the lies I told myself. I would never amount to anything. I would always be a addict. I was useless, I felt hopeless and I wallowed in self pity. I hated myself and began to hate everyone else. Especially if you were succeeding.

I am not going to say that I don’t still feel that way sometimes today because I do. I still battle with low self esteem and low self worth. It’s not so apparent today because I don’t let it rule me like I used to. I know today that those are feelings and they will pass. I know that those thoughts are mostly my addiction trying to break free. I do not feed that monster inside of me by dwelling on those feelings. I have God on my side today and my faith is growing greater by the day.

I am truly grateful that I am learning different ways to deal with situations that I used to only have one way of dealing with. I am proud of the progress that I have made and I will strive to make more progress daily. I have fantastic friends today. I have just gotten a promotion and a raise  at work. I used to be scared to do new things, today I look forward to trying new things. I have my higher power and the fellowship to thank for all the gifts that I have received since coming into recovery and deciding to finally surrender and be honest, open minded, and willing.

I have an attitude of gratitude today and I share it with everyone I come in contact with.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to leave a comment below to let me know you were here.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

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