March 3, 2013



Hello all and God bless.

I always start my day by thanking my higher power God for waking me and pray for guidance.

I dont always follow that guidance and for that I wind up paying a price.

I have always had a issue with being consistent. Lets face it. I have not been consistent with anything except using. I have been a failure at many things and so far my attempt at staying clean is following that pattern. I am failing.

Once again I am sitting here after a relapse saying why me. Asking myself why I continue to return to the scene of the crime. Why do I go back to using when I know the end results will always be the same.

I know what I need to do to stay clean and my track record shows that I can do what needs to be done for a short time. I have a 3-4 month lasting period and then I start falling off. I do other things and stop making meetings. I know better but do it anyway and before I know it ive screwed up again.

I have been running from my feelings all my life. Although I have gotten a little better this time around I have still not gotten to where I can face anything and still recover. Fear is my worse enemy.

I will never stop trying. I will continue to practice what I have learned and work harder at facing my fears. I have a disease that wants me dead and I need to learn how to live and stop helping my disease carry out its mission.

I wanted to keep this a secret because I am embarrassed to admit that I have done it AGAIN.  But keeping this secret has only kept me using and will keep me sick. Today I want to be honest and expose this so maybe I can get the help I truly need.

Recovery is not as easy as I thought it would be or should be. But using is a lot harder. I am not the BIG I AM. I struggle and stumble and fall down. But I will get up. I refuse to stay down and let my disease win. I dont know how to live without drugs but I do know a place to go so I can learn.

I will go back to the rooms. At least there I know I will be around people who understand what I am going through.

Thank you to all who have shown me love and support and those who have not given up on me.





Any form of success was frightening and unfamiliar.
Basic Text, p. 14

Just for today:

I will take time to savor my successes. I will share my victories with an attitude of gratitude.

Hello and God Bless You.

Frightening and unfamiliar are two words I know all too well. I have been afraid to move forward for years. Anytime I would advance in anything I would somehow or another fuck it up. I can’t tell you how many times I have lost great jobs, destroyed great relationships, relapsed after doing so well. The list goes on and on. I have been my own worse enemy. No matter how good things were going. No matter how happy I have been. I have always found a way to screw it up. I had got so used to being a fuck up that it became the norm. I actually started believing the lies I told myself. I would never amount to anything. I would always be a addict. I was useless, I felt hopeless and I wallowed in self pity. I hated myself and began to hate everyone else. Especially if you were succeeding.

I am not going to say that I don’t still feel that way sometimes today because I do. I still battle with low self esteem and low self worth. It’s not so apparent today because I don’t let it rule me like I used to. I know today that those are feelings and they will pass. I know that those thoughts are mostly my addiction trying to break free. I do not feed that monster inside of me by dwelling on those feelings. I have God on my side today and my faith is growing greater by the day.

I am truly grateful that I am learning different ways to deal with situations that I used to only have one way of dealing with. I am proud of the progress that I have made and I will strive to make more progress daily. I have fantastic friends today. I have just gotten a promotion and a raise  at work. I used to be scared to do new things, today I look forward to trying new things. I have my higher power and the fellowship to thank for all the gifts that I have received since coming into recovery and deciding to finally surrender and be honest, open minded, and willing.

I have an attitude of gratitude today and I share it with everyone I come in contact with.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to leave a comment below to let me know you were here.

Join the blog or sign up for email updates and notifications.

Peace and Blessings



Hello everyone,

Sorry I haven’t posted anything lately, I have been very ill and just did not have the energy to do just about anything. I will return shortly as I am beginning to feel a lot better.

In the meantime please feel free to browse my archives. I am sure you will find some of my older posts very interesting. Have a fantastic day or evening depending on your time zone.

Love you all

Peace and blessings

Eric Ease