Day: March 2, 2016

by

REPOST: MARCH 2013

March 3, 2013 by

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

GET BACK UP..AGAIN

Hello all and God bless.

I always start my day by thanking my higher power God for waking me and pray for guidance.

I dont always follow that guidance and for that I wind up paying a price.

I have always had a issue with being consistent. Lets face it. I have not been consistent with anything except using. I have been a failure at many things and so far my attempt at staying clean is following that pattern. I am failing.

Once again I am sitting here after a relapse saying why me. Asking myself why I continue to return to the scene of the crime. Why do I go back to using when I know the end results will always be the same.

I know what I need to do to stay clean and my track record shows that I can do what needs to be done for a short time. I have a 3-4 month lasting period and then I start falling off. I do other things and stop making meetings. I know better but do it anyway and before I know it ive screwed up again.

I have been running from my feelings all my life. Although I have gotten a little better this time around I have still not gotten to where I can face anything and still recover. Fear is my worse enemy.

I will never stop trying. I will continue to practice what I have learned and work harder at facing my fears. I have a disease that wants me dead and I need to learn how to live and stop helping my disease carry out its mission.

I wanted to keep this a secret because I am embarrassed to admit that I have done it AGAIN.  But keeping this secret has only kept me using and will keep me sick. Today I want to be honest and expose this so maybe I can get the help I truly need.

Recovery is not as easy as I thought it would be or should be. But using is a lot harder. I am not the BIG I AM. I struggle and stumble and fall down. But I will get up. I refuse to stay down and let my disease win. I dont know how to live without drugs but I do know a place to go so I can learn.

I will go back to the rooms. At least there I know I will be around people who understand what I am going through.

Thank you to all who have shown me love and support and those who have not given up on me.

Eric

by

REPOST: MARCH 2, 2012

FEAR OF SUCCESS.

105 DAYS CLEAN

Any form of success was frightening and unfamiliar.
Basic Text, p. 14

Just for today:

I will take time to savor my successes. I will share my victories with an attitude of gratitude.

Hello and God Bless You.

Frightening and unfamiliar are two words I know all too well. I have been afraid to move forward for years. Anytime I would advance in anything I would somehow or another fuck it up. I can’t tell you how many times I have lost great jobs, destroyed great relationships, relapsed after doing so well. The list goes on and on. I have been my own worse enemy. No matter how good things were going. No matter how happy I have been. I have always found a way to screw it up. I had got so used to being a fuck up that it became the norm. I actually started believing the lies I told myself. I would never amount to anything. I would always be a addict. I was useless, I felt hopeless and I wallowed in self pity. I hated myself and began to hate everyone else. Especially if you were succeeding.

I am not going to say that I don’t still feel that way sometimes today because I do. I still battle with low self esteem and low self worth. It’s not so apparent today because I don’t let it rule me like I used to. I know today that those are feelings and they will pass. I know that those thoughts are mostly my addiction trying to break free. I do not feed that monster inside of me by dwelling on those feelings. I have God on my side today and my faith is growing greater by the day.

I am truly grateful that I am learning different ways to deal with situations that I used to only have one way of dealing with. I am proud of the progress that I have made and I will strive to make more progress daily. I have fantastic friends today. I have just gotten a promotion and a raise  at work. I used to be scared to do new things, today I look forward to trying new things. I have my higher power and the fellowship to thank for all the gifts that I have received since coming into recovery and deciding to finally surrender and be honest, open minded, and willing.

I have an attitude of gratitude today and I share it with everyone I come in contact with.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to leave a comment below to let me know you were here.

Join the blog or sign up for email updates and notifications.

Peace and Blessings

NAM

by

I SHALL RETURN SOON

Hello everyone,

Sorry I haven’t posted anything lately, I have been very ill and just did not have the energy to do just about anything. I will return shortly as I am beginning to feel a lot better.

In the meantime please feel free to browse my archives. I am sure you will find some of my older posts very interesting. Have a fantastic day or evening depending on your time zone.

Love you all

Peace and blessings

Eric Ease