I remember how hard it was for me to admit that I was an addict and to ask for help. I was in such deep denial that I couldn’t see past all the lies, hurt, pain, misery and suffering let alone all the evidence that told me that I was and that I needed help bad. I suffered dearly as a result of that denial too. I stay stuck in a viscous never ending cycle for decades.
Help was available but I wasn’t ready to receive it. Help came from many different people too. My Parents, Parole officers, Counselors even ex Girlfriends. None of which did I receive with a open mind or heart. I rejected everyone that ever tried to help me because I truly did not know any better. I believed the BULLSHIT that I was feeding myself. The lies like. I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM, I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP, I AM OK AND I DON’T NEED YOU and my favorite I CAN STOP ANYTIME, I JUST DON’T WANT TO.
The truth is I couldn’t stop anytime I wanted to. I wanted to and didn’t know how. I wished many days that I could stop. I wanted to stop so bad that I began to believe another lie. That the only way I would ever stop was if I was dead. I began to entertain that idea as the solution to my problems. Little did I know that there was help available all I had to do was ask. But the real deal is I knew, I just didn’t know how to ask for help. Image, ego and a false sense of pride along with the lies that the streets taught me almost killed me and the sad part of all of it is.
I WOULD HAVE KILLED THE WRONG PERSON..
So how can I not share my experience, strength and hope with others. How can I be selfish, self centered and so self absorbed and not share the hope. How can I keep this life saving information to myself. I CAN’T and that is why I share it freely and willingly with the world. I want everyone to know that there is a way out of the grips of addiction. There is a light 💡 not only at the end of the tunnel but inside the tunnel lighting the way.
I am grateful that I can share my story. That I survived by the grace of God and can help others who may believe the lies like I did that I can’t stop. I’m here to break that chain 🔗, to shatter those lies and to show and prove that recovery is possible. If I can recover after 37 years of using and abusing drugs, myself and others anyone can do it too.
Help is available and all you have to do is ask.
Peace and blessings
I can’t remember a time in my active addiction when I ever turned anything over or was able to let it go. Not one single time. I always had to have the last word, to be in control, to plot my revenge or live for the payback. Holding onto anger and resentment was a daily chore. It wasn’t born in my addiction either, I have been that way well before I ever picked up that first drink or drug.
I can remember being a very angry and spiteful child. I held grudges and dished out my own justice as early as the 2nd grade. I was a Evil 😈 little so and so. Or so I’ve been called, among other things. Growing up holding on to all that anger, all those resentments caused a rippling effect, a avalanche of outburst and random acts of violence. Uncontrollable urges to hurt someone or something. Most of the time it was me who got hurt. I did more damage to myself than I could ever have imagined.
Needless to say jails, institutions, hospitals, isolation, desperation, despair, agony, pain, misery, suffering, unhappiness, self loathing and self inflicted harm all became my reality. I became my own worst enemy. I traveled the path of self destruction for many years and lost all hope.
Coming to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity was absurd when I first heard it. I always blamed God for my troubles so that was another resentment to add to the list. Yes even God was on my hit list 📃. But as I kept showing up I began to notice some changes happening. I was becoming open to new things, my thinking 💭 was starting to change. I was becoming teachable. A miracle for sure because I suffered from I Know Syndrome. I was beginning to experience hope.
That hope eventually turned into faith. I began to believe that I could change, stay clean and accomplish things. I saw others doing it, I listened to the stories and eventually those accomplishments started happening to me. Faith began to turn to trust. Wow. I was really changing because I didn’t trust anything or anyone. My life was becoming something that I did not recognize. I was apprehensive at first because it was uncomfortable. Fear has kept me stuck in a never ending cycle for years but I make a conscious effort on a daily basis not to allow my fear of succeeding to stop my flow.
I have to admit and believe me that trust and fear are still a issues but I am getting better gradually. I’ve made a commitment to turn them over. Letting go is a process and it’s easier said than done but today I know that it’s doable.
Nothing is impossible.
Peace and blessings