Just for today:
I will honor my commitment to a partnership with my Higher Power.
Hello and God Bless You.
Commitment is a word that only meant one thing to me in the past. I was committed to using. I was committed to making sure I had what I needed to get high. In the end that’s all that mattered. I didn’t care about anything else. My commitment to self destruction was so strong that if you were talking to me and it didn’t benefit me I really didn’t want to hear it. I remember the days of being committed to the manipulations of others, the lies, the cheats, the stealing, not giving a damn about anything or anyone unless you had something for me. Drugs or money is all I cared about in the end. I would act like I cared about anything you had to say if I thought I could hit you up for a couple of dollars. Thinking back looking at my insanity makes me sad today but when I was caught up in the grips of my addiction it was normal, it was survival, it was necessary and in my mind I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I never realized the damage I was causing to everyone around me because like I said I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong.
It takes a lot of effort to stay committed to something. In addiction my commitment to using came almost naturally because I was not in control. The obsession drove me because my thoughts where consumed with the getting and using and finding the ways and means to get more drugs. The compulsive behavior also uncontrollable under the influence was just as intense for me. I was out of control and in the end I wanted to stop but couldn’t. I remember feeling like a prisoner inside my own body. Like I was looking out through my eyes crying for help on the inside but not in control of my actions on the outside. I was crying out for help and nobody could hear me. I was all alone.
I remember the dispair, the loneliness, the desperation, the feelings of helplessness and worthlessness. Addiction wanted me dead and it had me thinking that I might as well go ahead and kill myself because I would never stop using, I would never amount to anything. I was useless. My addiction had me on the verge of killing myself but God intervened. Long story short I was flipping through channels on TV came across church and started listening. I prayed to God for help.
I fought for a while after that with how to go about getting clean. I had been in treatment centers and I’ve been to jail and then it hit me. There was NA meetings while I was locked up, I had been to meetings on the outside once or twice as well so I decided to try it again. After a couple more months I finally made it back to the rooms that was Jan. 22nd 2011. I still wasn’t as committed as I should have been considering all the shit I have been through and I relapsed a couple of times but I didn’t give up. Nov. 19, 2011 I had a spiritual awakening and made a commitment to God and to myself to focus on living a new way of life without the use of drugs. I committed myself to doing the footwork, to reading the literature and of course to making meetings. Now with the help of God, my sponsor, my network and my group The Struggle and my network of groups on Facebook I have 92 days back. I have never felt better and I am committed to not only help myself but to help others. Doing service has helped me keep the focus off of me. Because we all know an addict only thinks of himself. Today I think of others and am committed to that. It’s been a long hard journey and it continues to get better everyday. On day at a time.
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Peace and Blessings