For years I sat in silence. Words seemed so useless to me. I spoke very little and preferred it if others did the same. When I was smoking crack I could not stand noise. If you made a lot of noise it was almost a sure bet I would react on you. Without a doubt. I hated all kinds of noise but the biggest offender was the plastic bag..I hated the noise plastic bags made and I hated the people who would ruffle them just to annoy me.(Or so I thought..because it was always about me). Needless to say. I stopped hanging around people and isolation became my thing. That was a even bigger mistake because then my paranoia really kicked in. In my end I was so paranoid that I thought I heard things that didn’t even exist. I can remember being at home (alone of course) and just listening. Listening to every sound from everywhere. My ears were so tuned to nothingness that I could hear a pin drop in China. Along with the listening I would stare at walls, doors and windows. Listening, waiting for the ball to drop. Anticipating some catastrophic event that was about to happen that never did. But still I wait, day after day after day.
My routine was the same. EVERY DAY.
In my using years, I lost the ability to socialize with people. I placed every one in the same category. Can’t be trusted. Therefore I proceeded to look at everyone as a threat. I did that for so long that I began to believe it to be fact. When in fact it was fiction. It was made up inside my twisted little head. I fabricated, and fantasized for so long that I began to believe all the lies that I told myself and then began to base my life around those lies.
The problem with that is now that I am clean. I find myself still not socializing with people. Well let me say not socializing with people as much as I think I should. I am still blocking people out because of lack of trust, past hurts, past experiences a lot of which are not even relevant any more. No one remember or cares what happened back in 1992. I struggle to open up completely to some and others I can open up with no problem. I pick and choose who I socialize with and it just might be the one thing that will hurt me in the long run. I might be blocking out people who are not trying to hurt me but can really help me. I use my blog to articulate the things that I sometimes have trouble putting into words. I can write, I love to write. Writing is my release mechanism and it helps me tremendously. I only wish that I could talk to people as easy as I can write.
I have set a goal for myself this year. I plan on getting to know at least 3 new people. Not just on a hello and goodbye basis. I mean really get to know them and allow them to get to know me. Hang out with them and socialize in public not just through text messages, facebook and other social media. I mean get out of my shell.
I will write for ever. That’s my passion. But I also want to speak. So I shall speak up.
Peace and Blessing