REPOST: RESERVATIONS

RESERVATIONS

CANCEL

93 DAYS CLEAN

Relapse is never an accident. Relapse is a sign that we have a reservation in our program.
Basic Text, p. 79
Just for today:
I will check for any reservations that may endanger my recovery and share them with another addict.

Hello and God Bless You.

Relapse is a part of my story. I have struggled with addiction for a long time. I never really took getting clean serious. I realize that any clean time I ever had was not recovery but abstinence. I was not using my drug of choice (D.O.C.) but was drinking and I had no program. No structure and no support system. I was just a situation away from picking up my D.O.C. and would always say if I get too stressed out Imma go smoke me one. Well before long I was smokin more than one and off to the races again.

I have a habit of making disaster relief plans that involve using until I can’t feel anything. I done this everytime something tragic happened in my life and even when situations weren’t that tragic. It used to be a coping mechanism to help deal with the pain. HA that’s the lie I’ve told myself for years. My so called coping mechanism turned on me and became such a problem that I couldn’t cope with anything anymore. But I kept using this as if it actually worked for me. I would run to D.O.C. anytime, everytime, anywhere and everywhere. It didn’t matter if I was feeling bad or good. Up or down. My reservation became my addiction and in the end became my nightmare.

Today first things first I live in the moment. I try very hard to stay in the here and now. Living just for today keeps me from worrying about what’s going to happen tomorrow and keeps me from making plans and setting up disaster relief plans. There are times that I catch myself thinking ahead and I know that its not always easy to stay in the here and now but I monitor my thinking and when it happens I nip it in the bud. I do not allow it to grow and start festering and turn into planning because my thinking always got me into trouble.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to leave a comment below to let me know you were here.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

REPOST: COMMITMENT

COMMITMENT

 92 DAYS CLEANAs long as I take it easy and make a commitment with my Higher Power to do the best I can, I know I will be taken care of today.
Just for today:
I will honor my commitment to a partnership with my Higher Power.

Hello and God Bless You.

Commitment is a word that only meant one thing to me in the past. I was committed to using. I was committed to making sure I had what I needed to get high. In the end that’s all that mattered. I didn’t care about anything else. My commitment to self destruction was so strong that if you were talking to me and it didn’t benefit me I really didn’t want to hear it. I remember the days of being committed to the manipulations of others, the lies, the cheats, the stealing, not giving a damn about anything or anyone unless you had something for me. Drugs or money is all I cared about in the end. I would act like I cared about anything you had to say if I thought I could hit you up for a couple of dollars. Thinking back looking at my insanity makes me sad today but when I was caught up in the grips of my addiction it was normal, it was survival, it was necessary and in my mind I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I never realized the damage I was causing to everyone around me because like I said I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong.

It takes a lot of effort to stay committed to something. In addiction my commitment to using came almost naturally because I was not in control. The obsession drove me because my thoughts where consumed with the getting and using and finding the ways and means to get more drugs. The compulsive behavior also uncontrollable under the influence was just as intense for me. I was out of control and in the end I wanted to stop but couldn’t. I remember feeling like a prisoner inside my own body. Like I was looking out through my eyes crying for help on the inside but not in control of my actions on the outside. I was crying out for help and nobody could hear me. I was all alone.

I remember the dispair, the loneliness, the desperation, the feelings of helplessness and worthlessness. Addiction wanted me dead and it had me thinking that I might as well go ahead and kill myself because I would never stop using, I would never amount to anything. I was useless. My addiction had me on the verge of killing myself but God intervened. Long story short I was flipping through channels on TV came across church and started listening. I prayed to God for help.

I fought for a while after that with how to go about getting clean. I had been in treatment centers and I’ve been to jail and then it hit me. There was NA meetings while I was locked up, I had been to meetings on the outside once or twice as well so I decided to try it again. After a couple more months I finally made it back to the rooms that was Jan. 22nd 2011. I still wasn’t as committed as I should have been considering all the shit I have been through and I relapsed a couple of times but I didn’t give up. Nov. 19, 2011 I had a spiritual awakening and made a commitment to God and to myself to focus on living a new way of life without the use of drugs. I committed myself to doing the footwork, to reading the literature and of course to making meetings. Now with the help of God, my sponsor, my network and my group The Struggle and my network of groups on Facebook I have 92 days back. I have never felt better and I am committed to not only help myself but to help others. Doing service has helped me keep the focus off of me. Because we all know an addict only thinks of himself. Today I think of others and am committed to that. It’s been a long hard journey and it continues to get better everyday. On day at a time.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to leave a comment below to let me know you were here.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

REPOST: FEBRUARY 17, 2012

RECOVERY U HAVE TO WANT IT

 91 DAYS CLEANThey can be analyzed, counseled, reasoned with, prayed over, threatened, beaten, or locked up, but they will not stop until they want to stop.
Basic Text, p. 65
Just for today:
I will accept that I am powerless not only over my own addiction but also over everyone elses. I will carry the message, not the addict.

Hello and God Bless You.

I remember once upon a time I was trying to help someone who wasn’t ready to stop using. I used to get so frustrated and angry. I realize now that you cannot force your will on someone else. I cannot make anyone do anything they are not ready to do.

You can only offer support and hope that they come to a point where they are ready to change. You can literally drive yourself insane trying to make someone stop using. If your an addict like me you will wind up using before you get someone clean. I know this from experience. It’s been said that  recovery is for those that want it not those that need it. I never understood that until I came into the rooms. I came in needing help I was at my bottom and didn’t know how to climb out of the hole I dug for myself. Now that being said you would think that I would be willing to do what it takes not to use again, but I wasn’t 100% willing and I picked and chose what I would and wouldn’t do. Needless to say I relapsed. You see I needed recovery but I truly didn’t want it. I still wanted to use I just wanted to find a better way to use. I still thought I could somehow control my addiction. I didn’t know this at the time but I know it now. I am in a process of learning myself and I make mistakes (not with drugs) I am learning to deal with everyday situations that before used to run me out the door to get high.

Today I know that I have options. Today I put myself out there to help others but if they are not ready I can still try to help but it will be from a distance. I can only do but so much and if they are not willing then there isn’t anything I can do. I can only pray that they see their own destruction and want to do something about it before its too late.

I had to learn the hard way. I was not willing for years to hear anything anyone had to say. I lost a lot but I was lucky I didn’t lose my life. I understand what its like because I was there not too long ago either. But today its different and I want to live a better life so I fight the good fight and so far I am alright. I didn’t do it on my own. I have God in my life today and it has made a big difference in how I see things. Also I have my sponsor, home group and my network all who cared for me and loved me when I didn’t love myself. I am a work in progress but I am making progress.
One day at a time.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to leave a comment below to let me know you were here.

Join the blog or sign up for email updates and notifications.

Peace and Blessings

NAM

HELLO IS THIS THING ON!

SPEAK UP3

For years I sat in silence. Words seemed so useless to me. I spoke very little and preferred it if others did the same. When I was smoking crack I could not stand noise. If you made a lot of noise it was almost a sure bet I would react on you. Without a doubt. I hated all kinds of noise but the biggest offender was the plastic bag..I hated the noise plastic bags made and I hated the people who would ruffle them just to annoy me.(Or so I thought..because it was always about me). Needless to say. I stopped hanging around people and isolation became my thing. That was a even bigger mistake because then my paranoia really kicked in. In my end I was so paranoid that I thought I heard things that didn’t even exist. I can remember being at home (alone of course) and just listening. Listening to every sound from everywhere. My ears were so tuned to nothingness that I could hear a pin drop in China. Along with the listening I would stare at walls, doors and windows. Listening, waiting for the ball to drop. Anticipating some catastrophic event that was about to happen that never did. But still I wait, day after day after day.

My routine was the same. EVERY DAY.

In my using years, I lost the ability to socialize with people. I placed every one in the same category. Can’t be trusted. Therefore I proceeded to look at everyone as a threat. I did that for so long that I began to believe it to be fact. When in fact it was fiction. It was made up inside my twisted little head. I fabricated, and fantasized for so long that I began to believe all the lies that I told myself and then began to base my life around those lies.

The problem with that is now that I am clean. I find myself still not socializing with people. Well let me say not socializing with people as much as I think I should. I am still blocking people out because of lack of trust, past hurts, past experiences a lot of which are not even relevant any more. No one remember or cares what happened back in 1992. I struggle to open up completely to some and others I can open up with no problem. I pick and choose who I socialize with and it just might be the one thing that will hurt me in the long run. I might be blocking out people who are not trying to hurt me but can really help me. I use my blog to articulate the things that I sometimes have trouble putting into words. I can write, I love to write. Writing is my release mechanism and it helps me tremendously. I only wish that I could talk to people as easy as I can write.

I have set a goal for myself this year. I plan on getting to know at least 3 new people. Not just on a hello and goodbye basis. I mean really get to know them and allow them to get to know me. Hang out with them and socialize in public not just through text messages, facebook and other social media. I mean get out of my shell.

speak up2

I will write for ever. That’s my passion. But I also want to speak. So I shall speak up.

Peace and Blessing

Eric Ease