No matter where you go, there you are.
I remember when I first tried to get clean. I would make meetings anywhere but in my own neighborhood of East New York Brooklyn. I thought that I could do it better if I wasn’t surrounded by the memories of the streets I wandered day and night. The problem with that was after the meetings I still had to go home to the war zone.
I tried to the best of my ability at that time to maintain but I was unsuccessful. I was living a lie and denying the fact that I had a serious problem. I was a fraud, a fake, a phoney. Thats how I looked at it back then, but the truth is..I was in denial, I was still pretending to be someone that I wasn’t. I was not able to distinguish fact from fiction. I was still trying to escape reality and I thought I could do it by making meetings outside of my hood.
Eventually I realized that I can run all I want, but I cannot hide. My addiction, attitudes, behaviors and everything in between was always with me. No matter how hard I tried to deny that I was an addict the truth always revealed itself because
MY ADDICTION IS ME..
I can’t just put it on a shelf or turn it on and off at will. It can’t be wished away. There’s no magic pill, potion or elixir. There’s no way to hide from it, brush it off or ignore it.
I had to learn how to work through it. I had to surrender and get honest. I had to accept the facts. Then and only then did things start to change. I made the decision to stop hiding. I wanted to let my addiction know that I will no longer run, hide or be ashamed. I wasn’t ashamed when I was a bum smoking crack, robbing, stealing, sleeping in abandoned buildings and on the subway. So why be ashamed when I am trying to save my own life..
I got clean and continue to stay clean in the same neighborhood that I used, abused and almost died.
Peace and Blessings