THE PERFECT PLAN

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Happy Valentines Day to my one and only.

It was a great day. I had the plan all figured out in my head for weeks. I just had to make it to Valentines Day and not spoil my own plan with my over excitement and leak it with my big mouth. I have to admit that it was hard. There were times that I was almost busting at the seams. I just wanted to do it. I had to practice plenty of patience and self control, but at last the day had finally come. Now usually I know better than to plan anything, because every time I do, disaster usually strikes. But this plan was different. This plan was special.

She had to go out of town for a couple of days and she was due back on February 14 midday. She wanted me to pick her up from the airport but I had to make sure that didn’t happen. I had other plans to put into play. I love the fact that she was cool with it and didn’t push the issue. My baby is very independent and that is one of the things that I admire about her. My plan was to have candles, flowers, dinner and everything all ready by the time she came through the door. Unfortunately that did not happen. We wound up getting home at exactly the same time. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t do it for her any other time. It doesn’t have to be a special occasion for me to show her how much I love her and enjoy her company. It has been a very long time since anyone has made me feel this way and I know deep down inside that we are meant to be together.

With that in mind, prayers and faith I went ahead with my plan. She already saw the flowers. But I didn’t panic. I kept my cool. I had a few tricks up my sleeve and my ace had not been played yet. I wanted this to be something she would remember for the rest of her life. Something she will smile about forever.

 

From now on every time Valentines Day comes around she will remember it being the day that I asked her to MARRY ME and the day she said YES.

 

REPOST: FEBRUARY 14, 2015

GETTING CLEAN WHERE I ALMOST DIED

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No matter where you go, there you are.

I remember when I first tried to get clean. I would make meetings anywhere but in my own neighborhood of East New York Brooklyn. I thought that I could do it better if I wasn’t surrounded by the memories of the streets I wandered day and night. The problem with that was after the meetings I still had to go home to the war zone.

I tried to the best of my ability at that time to maintain but I was unsuccessful. I was living a lie and denying the fact that I had a serious problem. I was a fraud, a fake, a phoney. Thats how I looked at it back then, but the truth is..I was in denial, I was still pretending to be someone that I wasn’t. I was not able to distinguish fact from fiction. I was still trying to escape reality and I thought I could do it by making meetings outside of my hood.

Eventually I realized that I can run all I want, but I cannot hide. My addiction, attitudes, behaviors and everything in between was always with me. No matter how hard I tried to deny that I was an addict the truth always revealed itself because
MY ADDICTION IS ME..
I can’t just put it on a shelf or turn it on and off at will. It can’t be wished away. There’s no magic pill, potion or elixir. There’s no way to hide from it, brush it off or ignore it.

I had to learn how to work through it. I had to surrender and get honest. I had to accept the facts. Then and only then did things start to change. I made the decision to stop hiding. I wanted to let my addiction know that I will no longer run, hide or be ashamed. I wasn’t ashamed when I was a bum smoking crack, robbing, stealing, sleeping in abandoned buildings and on the subway. So why be ashamed when I am trying to save my own life..

I got clean and continue to stay clean in the same neighborhood that I used, abused and almost died.

I WOULDN’T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY.
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Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

REPOST: FEBRUARY 12, 2012

HERE AND NOW

86 DAYS CLEANWe regretted the past, dreaded the future, and weren’t too thrilled about the present.
Basic Text, p. 7
Just for today:
When I live fully in each moment, I open myself to joys that might otherwise escape me. If I am having trouble, I will ask a loving God for help.

Hello and God Bless You.

I am learning to live in the moment. I realize that there are times that I am either living in the past or thinking too much about the future. When I am living in the past I tend to lose sight of all the progress that I am making and have already made up to this point in my recovery. I begin to regress and start getting those old too familiarly feelings of self pity, worthlessness, helplessness and low self esteem. Before long I would be depressed and feeling like giving up.

When I am living in the future I have a very bad habit of predicting doom. No matter what the vision or dream or thought is the outcome is always disastrous. I cannot think about the future too long without whatever good that is happening turning into some kind of tragedy. I find myself waking up sometimes in the middle of the night sweating because of a dream of relapse, jail, death or some other bad thing happening. It is not a good thing either way.

I try very hard to stay in the here and now. It can be difficult at times but I do not get frustrated when I find myself drifting because I know that this is new territory for me and it is a process. I used to expect change to happen over night and then get upset when I didn’t see any progress. Not anymore I have finally accepted the fact that I am a addict with a disease that has no known cure but can however be arrested and recovery is indeed possible. I have been doing the same things over and over for so long I would have to truly be insane to think that change is going to happen just because I try it once or twice. It takes work and it is work that I am more than willing to do. I am a work in progress and I am making progress. I love myself just for today. I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring but I will find out when tomorrow gets here.

So just for today I will give myself a break and take it slow. If I have to I will take it one minute at a time but I will take it. God is in control and I am living his will. I am not dwelling on the past and I am not thinking about the future. Living in the now.

Thank you for reading today’s blog.

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Peace and Blessings.

NAM