FEBRUARY 10, 2015

STOP CHASING AND LIVING LIES.

image

I am beginning to understand.

I have been lost in a fantasy land for the majority of my life. I know this now but I never realized it growing up. Or maybe I did.

As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be someone else. Anyone else. I never was able to accept myself for who I was. I never was able to love the person that was in my skin. I was embarrassed by my life, my family and my circumstances. Ever since I can remember I dreamed of being you or him or them.

As a direct result of this I began to re-invent myself. I began to pretend to be anything other than my true self. I created false personas, alter egos and I even had a twin. A brother who only existed in my fantasy world brought to life by my sick and twisted need to be noticed, loved , liked and down with anyone who would accept me.

For years I created and recreated false images, attitudes and behaviors. I lied so much about myself and for so long that I began to believe my own fantasy was real. I took on the role of the many different characters that I created. I took different things from each one and created a monster. A monster who only wanted to be a part of something that he thought he was missing. A monster who thought everyone else had a better life, not realizing that my life hadn’t been that bad. My life was actually pretty damn good.

But in my mind it wasn’t good. In my mind I didn’t have any of the things I needed. Its that same mind that I followed again and again down that same path. The path that led me to low self-esteem and low self worth. Chasing something that was created in my mind and never allowing my self to grow spiritually, physically or even mentally.

I spent the so much of my life chasing a dream that my life just passed me by. I missed out on the many blessings because I thought I should have been better off or at a certain point by a certain age. I wasted decade after decade complaining about the things I didn’t have and should have had, what I wasn’t and should have been that I missed out on the blessings that I did have. The things that I did do. I missed out on the beauty of life because I believed the lies my mind told me.

I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT I AM ALLOWING MY SPIRIT TO BE FED AND MY SOUL IN TURN IS BEING NOURISHED. NO LONGER LIVING IN THE DARKNESS OF THE LIES MY MIND TELLS ME.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

FEBRUARY 11, 2012

MY DISEASE

 85 DAYS CLEANWe have become very grateful in the course of our recovery….
We have a disease, but we do recover.
Basic Text, p. 8

Just for today:
I will accept the fact of my disease, and pursue the blessing of my recovery.

Hello and God Bless You.

Grateful I am.

I don’t even know where to begin to express my gratitude for the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. How do you describe the gratitude to someone or something that has saved your life. Well I am learning how to express it by giving back what was so freely given to me and by continuing to do the work on myself so I do not go back out there. When I heard it said that addiction is a disease I couldn’t believe it. I always thought of a disease being like cancer or diabetes you know something  you have to take medication for, end up in the hospital and then you die. But when they said I have a disease it blew my mind. I was happy though to know that I wasn’t totally insane for continually doing the same thing and not having any control over my actions. The longer I stay in this process and the more I apply the principals to my everyday life the more I begin to understand some of the insanity. It is a process not a race not an event but a process. One day at a time I do and will continue to recover.

With that being said I also have to say that this is a disease that I have to live with for the rest of my life. Unlike other diseases where you take medication and eventually might or might not get better there is no medication to take for addiction, (Ha if there was I would probably get addicted to it.) No instead I am in a fight for my life and the only medication is the footwork. I make meetings daily, where I talk about the things I am feeling, thinking, went through in the past and am going through right now. I share and I listen to others share. I know I am in the right place when I go to meetings because I always hear something that reminds me that I am not alone. I always find someone who shares something that I can relate to. We find common ground in meetings. I have a sponsor who guides me through the process, he helps me when I do not understand something or and going through something. He guides me on my step work and we have a lot in common as well. He is not only my sponsor but I consider him my friend. He has saved my life and I am grateful to him as well as the fellowship. I also have a network which continues to grow on a daily basis. I have 2 networks. I have my home group and the people I meet in meetings here in NY and I have a network of recovering addicts online that I chat with on a daily basis. I have my Facebook group called FROM STRUGGLE TO STRENGTH. I am also a member in a few other groups which I will not name but I have met some fantastic people who help me in my recovery and I help them as well. It is such a great feeling to have so many friends who all want the same thing. Instead of having a bunch of fake ass friends who only want 1 thing. Recovery is a blessing and I am so damn grateful that I have found it.

Now anybody who has ever struggled to get clean knows that staying clean is not easy. I am no different. I didn’t just walk in the rooms of NA and magically become this open minded, honest and willing person. It took some work and quite a few tries. I relapsed several times, and I was fortunate enough to make it back. Using is not a game and it can end my life at any given minute when I choose to use. Today I choose to live Gods will for me. I used to always do things my way and I always got what I always got.

MISERY 10X OVER.

Today I choose to live Gods will and not my own. One day at a time I pray for the knowledge and strength and for guidance to continue to live in a positive and productive way.

Thank you for reading today’s blog.

As always feel free to comment below, join my blog or sign up for email notifications.

Peace and Blessings.

NAM

Reposted from February 11, 2012