Ever since I can remember I have had a problem keeping my anger in check. I have a temper that sometimes gets the best of me. I was never the type to bite my tongue and have been known to fly off the handle at the drop of a dime. Needless to say that has caused me plenty of grief, heartache and pain. I’ve been mandated to anger management classes and jails and institutions are a part of my story.
In the past I just accepted it as being who I was. If someone didn’t like it, they could get to stepping, kick rocks with flip flops. I didn’t care about you or your feelings. As you can imagine in the end I didn’t have many people who wanted to be around me. If they did, it was usually some kind of motive attached to it. In the end I was alone and lying to myself saying that I didn’t need anyone.
Isolation became my way of life. Associating with the public as little as possible. With no contact with my family and no friends other than using addicts I became angry, resentful and bitter. I blamed everyone else for my current situation. It never occurred to me that it could be me. Placing the blame on me for anything was unheard of. I could not take responsibility for my actions because in my mind I could do no wrong. Self centered and fully absorbed I sank deeper and deeper into my own world. A fantasy land where I was King and nobody else mattered.
I will be the first to admit today that I lived a lonely and miserable existence. I became a prisoner in my own fantasy.
But it wasn’t a fantasy. It was very real.
It was painful and agonizing. I was desperate and in despair. I was a derelict. I abandoned everyone but more importantly I abandoned myself. Gave up on society, but more importantly. I gave up on myself. All I ever wanted was to be liked, loved and wanted. I found out that I was all those
things for all the wrong reasons.
I’ve searched far and wide to find acceptance from others when I should have been searching within. Everything that I needed was inside of me the whole time. But I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t tap into that strength supplied to me by a power greater than myself. I instead took the easy road and allowed a lower power to keep me caught up in the grips and as a result I have been feeling, living and displaying the negative effects.
I got a chance to reverse the negativity that has plagued me, and been a part of my life for so long when I came into recovery. In my beginning I was excited and eager to start to living a positive life. At first this new way of living was scary. After all I have used mind altering substances for 3/4 of my life. But I was desperate and willing to try anything. It lasted for a couple of months and then I started to relapse back to old attitudes and behaviors. I went back out and was back and forth for a couple of years. I came back again through God’s grace and mercy with a new found hope and I have been here ever since.
Now I find myself feeling complacent and getting the angry man effects once again. I know that I haven’t been giving my recovery my all lately and have more or less fallen back and haven’t been as vigorous. I know what needs to be done and I have started doing it. I refuse to make the same mistakes today. I refuse to allow my disease to run rampant and not do anything about it. I am checking my disease at the door. I have plugged back into my recovery and will do those things that I have not been doing. I will not make excuses, I will make progress. I will make changes. I will push through to the other side. I know that if I don’t I will only have pain, misery and suffering to look forward to. I have come to far to look back now.
Peace and blessings