Basic Text, p. 107
Just for today: I will have fun in my recovery!
Hello and God Bless You.
I have to be really honest today. Not that I haven’t been being honest its just the way I started off today. I have been feeling really, really down in the dumps lately. I have been in a funk for the last couple of days and I wasn’t really sharing about it. I know how dangerous that is for me to hold on to feelings and not share so I finally let it out today. I have been feeling like I am stuck in a rut. Like I am helping everyone else but not doing anything to help myself. I have been feeling like I participate in everyone’s recovery but my own. Now the more I dwelt on this the more I began to believe that, that is what was bothering me. I even went as far as to stay off of FB for a couple of days and not respond to anyone. Today when I posted it and read some of the feedback I began to realize that was not the problem. It was my addiction coming at me in a whole new direction. I swear this disease is so cunning and sneaky that it is hard sometimes to recognize it. I am so grateful that I finally shared it and I didn’t let it fester until I picked up. I did a little self inventory of my feelings and what was really bothering me. I noticed that I have been helping people and that is a good thing but my disease wants me to isolate and not help anyone but stay to myself and that is a bad thing. It has been playing me making me think that helping others is taking away from helping myself. God is using me and my talents to help others and at the same time apply what I am helping others with into my own life.
The more I grow the more my disease wants me to stay the same. It is trying extra hard to keep me stuck in the same whole and making the same mistakes. I am grateful that I decided to use my tools and get some feedback because I might not have recognized it on my own in time. I am feeling a whole lot better right now and just thought I would share that as well. I am going to eventually cut back on some of the groups I participate in though to get a little balance but I will not stop participating all together because that would be just plain crazy. I would be allowing my addiction to win and today I will not allow my negative thoughts to out weight my positive ones. I know that my group The Struggle and the other groups I belong to are helping me tremendously. All the new friends I have made who offer me such sound advice (like today) have been a gigantic help in my keeping clean. I will never stop participating.
That being said I also realize that I have been all work and recovery and no real me time. I have been going full steam ahead and even though that is a good thing I also need to take some time out to let my hair down.(figure of speech because I hardly have any hair..LOL) I need to take a break and do something fun. I am planning on maybe going to the movies. I have some friends who play video games against each other I think I might invest in a playstation 3 so I can join them. I know that all work and no play makes for a very dull person. I do not wish to go crazy like in the old days but I do need to find a release for all the energy that I am not burning off. I am grateful for my recovery and will protect it like it was a million dollars in my mattress.
Thank you all for listening to me rant and vent today. I truly appreciate all of you.
Thank you for reading today’s blog.
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Peace and Blessings.