RANDOM RAMBLINGS ON RELATIONSHIPS


FR

Random Ramblings on Relationships

For a very long time relationships only meant one thing to me. The relationships between a man and a woman. I didn’t realize then that everyone I come into contact with in one way or another I have a relationship with. I only thought of sexual relations when ever I heard the word and didn’t think of it meaning anything else. I was one track minded on the subject and never had to go into any depth. After all I was active and really didn’t care to do any research or studies.

I used to be a fun loving guy and had plenty of friends. I had relationships with many people and was really close with my family. I was a good kid and respected everyone I ever came into contact with. The tables turned and I became the opposite. I lost contact with people because I became a prisoner in my own skin. I sentenced myself to life without parole. I banished myself to a deserted island and lived my life like I was the only one on that island. I isolated and sheltered myself from the outside world. I thought I was keeping myself from getting hurt or feeling pain but I only caused myself more hurt and pain. Misery and suffering became my life and I settled in and became accustomed to it.

Throughout the years I had acquaintances and associated with some people. I wasn’t totally beyond approach but I kept it simple and short. Never letting anyone get too close and if they did I found a way out by sabotaging the relationship some how. I became a expert at self destruction and sabotage. I could ruin any relationship with my attitude and behavior and be fine with it. I always told myself in the end that I planned it that way. I am talking about sexual relations not friendships. Friends were not allowed only associated and acquaintances remember. I have caused more harm to people who loved me than I care to really share about but it is part of my story. I will have a mighty long list when I reach the 8th Step.

Anyway getting back to relationships.

I have come to realize that relationships come in many forms. I have relationships with family, friends, co-workers, the public and many others that I come into contact with on a daily basis. I have come to realize that not every situation is the same and not everyone will be treated the same or will get the same amount of time and attention. I understand today that I cannot fit everyone into the same category and treat everyone the same. There are many different colors in the crayon box. The biggest obstacle for me is I find myself still stuck in the old familiar frame of mind.

Keep every one at a distance.

I am struggling with letting go of the fear of being hurt or disappointed. It is not because I place high expectations on people either. Actually it’s just the opposite. I expect you to fuck up so my expectation is rather low. I therefore would rather not have to even deal with you. I know that I cannot do this recovery alone but I can do it with a minimum of people in my circle. That’s my thinking on one hand and on the other I am tired of being such a distant and stand offish person. I want to have friends but really do not know how to go about making them. So instead of running the risk of looking desperate, needy or foolish. I once again isolate and hang out alone. I know that I need people in my life. People to help guide me in my recovery and to be there for me and me for them. I understand that, I am just having such a hard time starting the process of letting go and starting new in this area. Now don’t get me wrong either. I know plenty of people and I appreciate the love, support and encouragement that I receive from each and every one of them. I am speaking of getting on a even deeper level. I am speaking of having deeper relationships with people not just surface, common courtesy relationships.

I know that this process takes time and not everyone’s rate of recovery will be the same. I also know that I have made progress in this area and will continue to do so as long as that is what I want to happen. I have spoken about this many times and prayed many more times. I have no doubt that I will get to where I am trying to go. In God’s time not my own. So in the meantime I will continue to show up so I can grow up.

I hope I didn’t ramble on too much and bore you to death with this post.

4 thoughts on “RANDOM RAMBLINGS ON RELATIONSHIPS

  1. Eric, you didn’t bore me. You inspire me with your honesty. I hope I don’t sound preachy but I am led to share something I didn’t learn until I was in my mid-fifties. I SO wish I had grown up knowing it – so much pain I could have avoided. The key for me in what you wrote is the “expectations” you have of others.

    There will come a time when it doesn’t matter if they make mistakes, it won’t even matter if they reject you ultimately, you will love them anyway – because it is the love in YOU and going out from you that you want to grow. It isn’t really even about them in a way. Of course some people can be abusive, you still need boundaries, but they don’t have to be so close in. And you will be amazed at how your relationships change when you make the shift. Don’t know if it makes sense, but that’s my contribution. Big hugs, Gerry

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s