RANDOM RAMBLINGS ON RELATIONSHIPS

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Random Ramblings on Relationships

For a very long time relationships only meant one thing to me. The relationships between a man and a woman. I didn’t realize then that everyone I come into contact with in one way or another I have a relationship with. I only thought of sexual relations when ever I heard the word and didn’t think of it meaning anything else. I was one track minded on the subject and never had to go into any depth. After all I was active and really didn’t care to do any research or studies.

I used to be a fun loving guy and had plenty of friends. I had relationships with many people and was really close with my family. I was a good kid and respected everyone I ever came into contact with. The tables turned and I became the opposite. I lost contact with people because I became a prisoner in my own skin. I sentenced myself to life without parole. I banished myself to a deserted island and lived my life like I was the only one on that island. I isolated and sheltered myself from the outside world. I thought I was keeping myself from getting hurt or feeling pain but I only caused myself more hurt and pain. Misery and suffering became my life and I settled in and became accustomed to it.

Throughout the years I had acquaintances and associated with some people. I wasn’t totally beyond approach but I kept it simple and short. Never letting anyone get too close and if they did I found a way out by sabotaging the relationship some how. I became a expert at self destruction and sabotage. I could ruin any relationship with my attitude and behavior and be fine with it. I always told myself in the end that I planned it that way. I am talking about sexual relations not friendships. Friends were not allowed only associated and acquaintances remember. I have caused more harm to people who loved me than I care to really share about but it is part of my story. I will have a mighty long list when I reach the 8th Step.

Anyway getting back to relationships.

I have come to realize that relationships come in many forms. I have relationships with family, friends, co-workers, the public and many others that I come into contact with on a daily basis. I have come to realize that not every situation is the same and not everyone will be treated the same or will get the same amount of time and attention. I understand today that I cannot fit everyone into the same category and treat everyone the same. There are many different colors in the crayon box. The biggest obstacle for me is I find myself still stuck in the old familiar frame of mind.

Keep every one at a distance.

I am struggling with letting go of the fear of being hurt or disappointed. It is not because I place high expectations on people either. Actually it’s just the opposite. I expect you to fuck up so my expectation is rather low. I therefore would rather not have to even deal with you. I know that I cannot do this recovery alone but I can do it with a minimum of people in my circle. That’s my thinking on one hand and on the other I am tired of being such a distant and stand offish person. I want to have friends but really do not know how to go about making them. So instead of running the risk of looking desperate, needy or foolish. I once again isolate and hang out alone. I know that I need people in my life. People to help guide me in my recovery and to be there for me and me for them. I understand that, I am just having such a hard time starting the process of letting go and starting new in this area. Now don’t get me wrong either. I know plenty of people and I appreciate the love, support and encouragement that I receive from each and every one of them. I am speaking of getting on a even deeper level. I am speaking of having deeper relationships with people not just surface, common courtesy relationships.

I know that this process takes time and not everyone’s rate of recovery will be the same. I also know that I have made progress in this area and will continue to do so as long as that is what I want to happen. I have spoken about this many times and prayed many more times. I have no doubt that I will get to where I am trying to go. In God’s time not my own. So in the meantime I will continue to show up so I can grow up.

I hope I didn’t ramble on too much and bore you to death with this post.

FALLING APART

REPOST FROM FEBRUARY 7, 2015

STARTING TO FALL APART

As I sit here and type on my phone,  I am in the Radiology department of the hospital waiting for an x-ray to be taken on my hip. I have been having difficulty moving sometimes and been having a sharp pain for some time. I told my doctor about it and he told me that I should have it x-ray so here I am.

I have also been informed by my doctor that I have high blood pressure and cholesterol and I should lose some weight. I am at 221lbs the most I have ever weighed. I don’t feel overweight although I do need to lose my gut. Soda, fast food and fried foods among other things have to be eliminated from my diet.

I was in a funk all week because of not smoking as much and now this.

I don’t want to get worse so I will take my doctors advice and change my eating habits. It’s time to get addicted to healthy habits. I will also begin to do some exercise. I have never really paid much attention to my health. While using being healthy isn’t exactly on the top 5 things to do. But I am not using anymore so now its time to become responsible in all areas of my life..

Not Just In My Recovery.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

ACCEPTANCE

THIS THROWBACK POST IS FROM FEBRUARY 2012

ACCEPTANCE

83 DAYS CLEAN.

When we accept ourselves, we can accept others into our lives, unconditionally, probably for the first time.
IP N o. 19, Selfy-Acceptance
Just for today:
I am accepted in NA; I fit in. Today, its safe to start letting others into my life.

Hello and God Bless You.

For a long time I couldn’t accept the fact that I had a problem, today I have no problem accepting it.  I do have a better understanding of who I am and also what I am willing to accept today. I am falling back from people who are not healthy for me. I do not accept your bullshit today. I am a good person who deserves to be treated with respect and if you choose to disrespect me I have no time for you. I am clear on the fact that I do not need negative people or their drama. I have my own shit to deal with and refuse to deal with you and your shit too.

I know what I am. I accept that and I am striving to become a better person than I used to be. I am beginning to like who I am today and no one can control me. So stop trying. I do what I need to do for me. My recovery comes before anyone or anything. I am going to fall back from Facebook and all the groups. I will post every once in a while but I will not be on there everyday. It’s getting to be too much and its interfering with what I am trying to accomplish. I accept this too. I am also going to stop posting my blog in groups. I will only post on my timeline. I have to get back to me and my purpose. I thank everyone for understanding and will always be grateful for knowing you.

Thank you for reading today’s blog.

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Peace and Blessings.

NAM