REPOST: RESERVATIONS

RESERVATIONS

CANCEL

93 DAYS CLEAN

Relapse is never an accident. Relapse is a sign that we have a reservation in our program.
Basic Text, p. 79
Just for today:
I will check for any reservations that may endanger my recovery and share them with another addict.

Hello and God Bless You.

Relapse is a part of my story. I have struggled with addiction for a long time. I never really took getting clean serious. I realize that any clean time I ever had was not recovery but abstinence. I was not using my drug of choice (D.O.C.) but was drinking and I had no program. No structure and no support system. I was just a situation away from picking up my D.O.C. and would always say if I get too stressed out Imma go smoke me one. Well before long I was smokin more than one and off to the races again.

I have a habit of making disaster relief plans that involve using until I can’t feel anything. I done this everytime something tragic happened in my life and even when situations weren’t that tragic. It used to be a coping mechanism to help deal with the pain. HA that’s the lie I’ve told myself for years. My so called coping mechanism turned on me and became such a problem that I couldn’t cope with anything anymore. But I kept using this as if it actually worked for me. I would run to D.O.C. anytime, everytime, anywhere and everywhere. It didn’t matter if I was feeling bad or good. Up or down. My reservation became my addiction and in the end became my nightmare.

Today first things first I live in the moment. I try very hard to stay in the here and now. Living just for today keeps me from worrying about what’s going to happen tomorrow and keeps me from making plans and setting up disaster relief plans. There are times that I catch myself thinking ahead and I know that its not always easy to stay in the here and now but I monitor my thinking and when it happens I nip it in the bud. I do not allow it to grow and start festering and turn into planning because my thinking always got me into trouble.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to leave a comment below to let me know you were here.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

REPOST: COMMITMENT

COMMITMENT

 92 DAYS CLEANAs long as I take it easy and make a commitment with my Higher Power to do the best I can, I know I will be taken care of today.
Just for today:
I will honor my commitment to a partnership with my Higher Power.

Hello and God Bless You.

Commitment is a word that only meant one thing to me in the past. I was committed to using. I was committed to making sure I had what I needed to get high. In the end that’s all that mattered. I didn’t care about anything else. My commitment to self destruction was so strong that if you were talking to me and it didn’t benefit me I really didn’t want to hear it. I remember the days of being committed to the manipulations of others, the lies, the cheats, the stealing, not giving a damn about anything or anyone unless you had something for me. Drugs or money is all I cared about in the end. I would act like I cared about anything you had to say if I thought I could hit you up for a couple of dollars. Thinking back looking at my insanity makes me sad today but when I was caught up in the grips of my addiction it was normal, it was survival, it was necessary and in my mind I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I never realized the damage I was causing to everyone around me because like I said I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong.

It takes a lot of effort to stay committed to something. In addiction my commitment to using came almost naturally because I was not in control. The obsession drove me because my thoughts where consumed with the getting and using and finding the ways and means to get more drugs. The compulsive behavior also uncontrollable under the influence was just as intense for me. I was out of control and in the end I wanted to stop but couldn’t. I remember feeling like a prisoner inside my own body. Like I was looking out through my eyes crying for help on the inside but not in control of my actions on the outside. I was crying out for help and nobody could hear me. I was all alone.

I remember the dispair, the loneliness, the desperation, the feelings of helplessness and worthlessness. Addiction wanted me dead and it had me thinking that I might as well go ahead and kill myself because I would never stop using, I would never amount to anything. I was useless. My addiction had me on the verge of killing myself but God intervened. Long story short I was flipping through channels on TV came across church and started listening. I prayed to God for help.

I fought for a while after that with how to go about getting clean. I had been in treatment centers and I’ve been to jail and then it hit me. There was NA meetings while I was locked up, I had been to meetings on the outside once or twice as well so I decided to try it again. After a couple more months I finally made it back to the rooms that was Jan. 22nd 2011. I still wasn’t as committed as I should have been considering all the shit I have been through and I relapsed a couple of times but I didn’t give up. Nov. 19, 2011 I had a spiritual awakening and made a commitment to God and to myself to focus on living a new way of life without the use of drugs. I committed myself to doing the footwork, to reading the literature and of course to making meetings. Now with the help of God, my sponsor, my network and my group The Struggle and my network of groups on Facebook I have 92 days back. I have never felt better and I am committed to not only help myself but to help others. Doing service has helped me keep the focus off of me. Because we all know an addict only thinks of himself. Today I think of others and am committed to that. It’s been a long hard journey and it continues to get better everyday. On day at a time.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to leave a comment below to let me know you were here.

Join the blog or sign up for email updates and notifications.

Peace and Blessings

NAM

REPOST: FEBRUARY 17, 2012

RECOVERY U HAVE TO WANT IT

 91 DAYS CLEANThey can be analyzed, counseled, reasoned with, prayed over, threatened, beaten, or locked up, but they will not stop until they want to stop.
Basic Text, p. 65
Just for today:
I will accept that I am powerless not only over my own addiction but also over everyone elses. I will carry the message, not the addict.

Hello and God Bless You.

I remember once upon a time I was trying to help someone who wasn’t ready to stop using. I used to get so frustrated and angry. I realize now that you cannot force your will on someone else. I cannot make anyone do anything they are not ready to do.

You can only offer support and hope that they come to a point where they are ready to change. You can literally drive yourself insane trying to make someone stop using. If your an addict like me you will wind up using before you get someone clean. I know this from experience. It’s been said that  recovery is for those that want it not those that need it. I never understood that until I came into the rooms. I came in needing help I was at my bottom and didn’t know how to climb out of the hole I dug for myself. Now that being said you would think that I would be willing to do what it takes not to use again, but I wasn’t 100% willing and I picked and chose what I would and wouldn’t do. Needless to say I relapsed. You see I needed recovery but I truly didn’t want it. I still wanted to use I just wanted to find a better way to use. I still thought I could somehow control my addiction. I didn’t know this at the time but I know it now. I am in a process of learning myself and I make mistakes (not with drugs) I am learning to deal with everyday situations that before used to run me out the door to get high.

Today I know that I have options. Today I put myself out there to help others but if they are not ready I can still try to help but it will be from a distance. I can only do but so much and if they are not willing then there isn’t anything I can do. I can only pray that they see their own destruction and want to do something about it before its too late.

I had to learn the hard way. I was not willing for years to hear anything anyone had to say. I lost a lot but I was lucky I didn’t lose my life. I understand what its like because I was there not too long ago either. But today its different and I want to live a better life so I fight the good fight and so far I am alright. I didn’t do it on my own. I have God in my life today and it has made a big difference in how I see things. Also I have my sponsor, home group and my network all who cared for me and loved me when I didn’t love myself. I am a work in progress but I am making progress.
One day at a time.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to leave a comment below to let me know you were here.

Join the blog or sign up for email updates and notifications.

Peace and Blessings

NAM

HELLO IS THIS THING ON!

SPEAK UP3

For years I sat in silence. Words seemed so useless to me. I spoke very little and preferred it if others did the same. When I was smoking crack I could not stand noise. If you made a lot of noise it was almost a sure bet I would react on you. Without a doubt. I hated all kinds of noise but the biggest offender was the plastic bag..I hated the noise plastic bags made and I hated the people who would ruffle them just to annoy me.(Or so I thought..because it was always about me). Needless to say. I stopped hanging around people and isolation became my thing. That was a even bigger mistake because then my paranoia really kicked in. In my end I was so paranoid that I thought I heard things that didn’t even exist. I can remember being at home (alone of course) and just listening. Listening to every sound from everywhere. My ears were so tuned to nothingness that I could hear a pin drop in China. Along with the listening I would stare at walls, doors and windows. Listening, waiting for the ball to drop. Anticipating some catastrophic event that was about to happen that never did. But still I wait, day after day after day.

My routine was the same. EVERY DAY.

In my using years, I lost the ability to socialize with people. I placed every one in the same category. Can’t be trusted. Therefore I proceeded to look at everyone as a threat. I did that for so long that I began to believe it to be fact. When in fact it was fiction. It was made up inside my twisted little head. I fabricated, and fantasized for so long that I began to believe all the lies that I told myself and then began to base my life around those lies.

The problem with that is now that I am clean. I find myself still not socializing with people. Well let me say not socializing with people as much as I think I should. I am still blocking people out because of lack of trust, past hurts, past experiences a lot of which are not even relevant any more. No one remember or cares what happened back in 1992. I struggle to open up completely to some and others I can open up with no problem. I pick and choose who I socialize with and it just might be the one thing that will hurt me in the long run. I might be blocking out people who are not trying to hurt me but can really help me. I use my blog to articulate the things that I sometimes have trouble putting into words. I can write, I love to write. Writing is my release mechanism and it helps me tremendously. I only wish that I could talk to people as easy as I can write.

I have set a goal for myself this year. I plan on getting to know at least 3 new people. Not just on a hello and goodbye basis. I mean really get to know them and allow them to get to know me. Hang out with them and socialize in public not just through text messages, facebook and other social media. I mean get out of my shell.

speak up2

I will write for ever. That’s my passion. But I also want to speak. So I shall speak up.

Peace and Blessing

Eric Ease

THE PERFECT PLAN

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Happy Valentines Day to my one and only.

It was a great day. I had the plan all figured out in my head for weeks. I just had to make it to Valentines Day and not spoil my own plan with my over excitement and leak it with my big mouth. I have to admit that it was hard. There were times that I was almost busting at the seams. I just wanted to do it. I had to practice plenty of patience and self control, but at last the day had finally come. Now usually I know better than to plan anything, because every time I do, disaster usually strikes. But this plan was different. This plan was special.

She had to go out of town for a couple of days and she was due back on February 14 midday. She wanted me to pick her up from the airport but I had to make sure that didn’t happen. I had other plans to put into play. I love the fact that she was cool with it and didn’t push the issue. My baby is very independent and that is one of the things that I admire about her. My plan was to have candles, flowers, dinner and everything all ready by the time she came through the door. Unfortunately that did not happen. We wound up getting home at exactly the same time. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t do it for her any other time. It doesn’t have to be a special occasion for me to show her how much I love her and enjoy her company. It has been a very long time since anyone has made me feel this way and I know deep down inside that we are meant to be together.

With that in mind, prayers and faith I went ahead with my plan. She already saw the flowers. But I didn’t panic. I kept my cool. I had a few tricks up my sleeve and my ace had not been played yet. I wanted this to be something she would remember for the rest of her life. Something she will smile about forever.

 

From now on every time Valentines Day comes around she will remember it being the day that I asked her to MARRY ME and the day she said YES.

 

REPOST: FEBRUARY 14, 2015

GETTING CLEAN WHERE I ALMOST DIED

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No matter where you go, there you are.

I remember when I first tried to get clean. I would make meetings anywhere but in my own neighborhood of East New York Brooklyn. I thought that I could do it better if I wasn’t surrounded by the memories of the streets I wandered day and night. The problem with that was after the meetings I still had to go home to the war zone.

I tried to the best of my ability at that time to maintain but I was unsuccessful. I was living a lie and denying the fact that I had a serious problem. I was a fraud, a fake, a phoney. Thats how I looked at it back then, but the truth is..I was in denial, I was still pretending to be someone that I wasn’t. I was not able to distinguish fact from fiction. I was still trying to escape reality and I thought I could do it by making meetings outside of my hood.

Eventually I realized that I can run all I want, but I cannot hide. My addiction, attitudes, behaviors and everything in between was always with me. No matter how hard I tried to deny that I was an addict the truth always revealed itself because
MY ADDICTION IS ME..
I can’t just put it on a shelf or turn it on and off at will. It can’t be wished away. There’s no magic pill, potion or elixir. There’s no way to hide from it, brush it off or ignore it.

I had to learn how to work through it. I had to surrender and get honest. I had to accept the facts. Then and only then did things start to change. I made the decision to stop hiding. I wanted to let my addiction know that I will no longer run, hide or be ashamed. I wasn’t ashamed when I was a bum smoking crack, robbing, stealing, sleeping in abandoned buildings and on the subway. So why be ashamed when I am trying to save my own life..

I got clean and continue to stay clean in the same neighborhood that I used, abused and almost died.

I WOULDN’T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY.
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Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

REPOST: FEBRUARY 12, 2012

HERE AND NOW

86 DAYS CLEANWe regretted the past, dreaded the future, and weren’t too thrilled about the present.
Basic Text, p. 7
Just for today:
When I live fully in each moment, I open myself to joys that might otherwise escape me. If I am having trouble, I will ask a loving God for help.

Hello and God Bless You.

I am learning to live in the moment. I realize that there are times that I am either living in the past or thinking too much about the future. When I am living in the past I tend to lose sight of all the progress that I am making and have already made up to this point in my recovery. I begin to regress and start getting those old too familiarly feelings of self pity, worthlessness, helplessness and low self esteem. Before long I would be depressed and feeling like giving up.

When I am living in the future I have a very bad habit of predicting doom. No matter what the vision or dream or thought is the outcome is always disastrous. I cannot think about the future too long without whatever good that is happening turning into some kind of tragedy. I find myself waking up sometimes in the middle of the night sweating because of a dream of relapse, jail, death or some other bad thing happening. It is not a good thing either way.

I try very hard to stay in the here and now. It can be difficult at times but I do not get frustrated when I find myself drifting because I know that this is new territory for me and it is a process. I used to expect change to happen over night and then get upset when I didn’t see any progress. Not anymore I have finally accepted the fact that I am a addict with a disease that has no known cure but can however be arrested and recovery is indeed possible. I have been doing the same things over and over for so long I would have to truly be insane to think that change is going to happen just because I try it once or twice. It takes work and it is work that I am more than willing to do. I am a work in progress and I am making progress. I love myself just for today. I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring but I will find out when tomorrow gets here.

So just for today I will give myself a break and take it slow. If I have to I will take it one minute at a time but I will take it. God is in control and I am living his will. I am not dwelling on the past and I am not thinking about the future. Living in the now.

Thank you for reading today’s blog.

As always feel free to comment below, join my blog or sign up for email notifications.

Peace and Blessings.

NAM

REPOST: JANUARY 18, 2013

PRACTICING PATIENCE

Good morning and God bless.

I always start my day with thanking God for waking me and praying for guidance and knowledge of his will for me. I have been blessed to have made it back to recovery and for that I am truly grateful.
There are times though that I take my will back and become impatient when I feel that I am deserving of something and it is not happening on my timetable. I begin to get frustrated and display attitudes that are less than positive.

I thank my higher power and the knowledge I have gained from the NA fellowship for being able to recognize this. I know that this is a process and I should not expect to change everything over night.

Its just not a reality that after years of using and actively practicing negative attitudes and behaviors that have become a way of life that I can change over night to being all positive all the time.

I want what I want when I want it was a way of life for me. The self centeredness, the impatient attitude, the non caring was how I lived for years. I know this now but had no clue in my active addiction.  I know there will be times when I fall short. Times when I will take my will back. Times when I will think its all about me. But I also know that its not the way I choose to live today. I know its NOT all about me and my wants and needs.

I am grateful today that I can recognize this character defect. That I can and will choose to correct it once I realize my behavior.  I am grateful also that just for today I dont have to beat myself up because I made a mistake or because I am living my will again.

All I have to do is continue to practice patience and continue to practice correcting myself when I fall short. I do not have to get upset and bent out of shape. Just take a deep breath and pray that I get better at it.

Change is not easy. Change does not come overnight.  But as long as I continue to practice patience,  Change will come.

Peace and blessings.

Eric Ease

REPOST: JANUARY 31, 2012

EXCEPT THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE

74 DAYS CLEANHello and God Bless You.

I have been noticing lately that I have been letting things bother me more than I should. I have been stressing and obsessing about things which I have no control over. I know the serenity prayer and I ask God to grant acceptance of things I cannot change but often I find myself wanting to do something to change certain situations that I have no control over. I am constantly faced with this problem at work. I have to deal with the public and there are times when I really want to give people a piece of the old me. I am struggling with this on a daily basis. I pray and it works for the most part but giving things up to God sometimes doesn’t seem to work. Its not that I doubt or have a lack of faith in God either. I know for a long time I did not believe in God. I blamed him for everything that ever went wrong in my life and this went on for the majority of my life. I do not feel that way today. I believe in God and I know that through him all things are possible. I know that he has brought me to recovery and he keeps me safe as long as I live by his will. I just struggle at times with it and I know that is the devil (my addiction) up to its old tricks to get me back.

I am and will always be sick but I don’t have to suffer. I am learning to monitor my actions and my behaviors and also my feelings. Sometimes my feelings get the best of me and I have to be careful because that is dangerous. I have a temper issue that has caused me many headaches in the past and I am working very hard to control it. I am not as bad as I used to be so I do not need anger management any more but it pops its ugly head every now and then. I have more control today than I ever did in the past thanks to my higher power.

I love writing in my blog and letting my feelings out on paper because it helps me to keep them in check. I also appreciate the feedback that I get because it gives me something to look at. I know myself better today because of working the steps and making meetings and being able to share and dump all the bad things but also talk about the good things too. I know that things will get better as long as I continue to practice what I am learning and applying it to my everyday life.

Ok that’s enough crying and complaining for one minute..Lol

Thank you for reading today’s blog.

As always feel free to comment below, join my blog or sign up for email notifications.

Peace and Blessings.

NAM

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

happy

It’s been a long time since I had a reason to think about Valentines Day. I remember seeing the commercials on TV for jewelry or chocolates or flowers and saying some pretty mean and nasty things. I was bitter, angry, frustrated and resentful to say the least. I hated the day and everyone else for being happy. Loneliness and isolation will do that to you. Needless to say it was just another day for me. Another day to be miserable about my life and how it turned out. Another day to blame everyone but myself for my circumstances. Just another day to be mean and spiteful. Just another day to use to try to escape my reality.

I am grateful that I do not feel that way today. For the last couple of years I celebrated loving myself on Valentines Day. I took the opportunity to treat myself to chocolates and a movie or whatever else. No I did not buy myself flowers or jewelry…Lol. I know someone out there was asking themselves that question. Although I did not have a girlfriend at the time I turned to myself and showed love. I have to admit. It was not the same as having someone to share with. But it worked out just fine.

This year I am happy to say that I have found the love of my life. I have someone to share this day with and the rest of my life with as well. We will have many Valentines Days and many new beginnings and special days, months and years together. I spent the holidays with my lady and even though I had been sick from Christmas through New Years running a fever, cold chills, sneezing, body aches and temperatures ranging from semi normal to 103 degrees. We had a wonderful time together and we made the best of it. She took great care of me and I appreciate her all the more for the time we spent together and apart. We have lots of fun together. We laugh and joke, we talk, we go out, we travel, we communicate and we love each other for who we are. We do not try to change each other. We accept each other for who we are and respect each others opinions and views. I am grateful that my higher power saw fit to bring us together and I am thankful that she has the ability to see me coming at times and not let that get in the way. She is a wonderful woman and I am blessed to have her in my life.

So I will take this moment to acknowledge her in my blog the way I acknowledge her in my life.

Thank you for being in my life. I love you sweetheart.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY. MUAAAAAAAH.