I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions lately. I’ve been feeling angry, depression, happy, sad, frustrated and even cried a couple of times. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me and found myself suffering in silence. I was fearful of sharing this with others. Which is crazy because I usually am so open with sharing what I am going through.
I did a self inventory this morning and realized a couple of things. First off let me tell you that my addiction has been very active the last couple of days. I have been displaying old attitudes and behaviors. I have not been sleeping well and like I said earlier not sharing it. My addiction had me keeping it a secret and we all know secrets kill. So upon taking my inventory I realized that I haven’t been working my program. I have not been taking a active roll in my recovery. I’ve been skipping meetings, not reading my literature or reaching out to other people in my network. I’ve been isolating and putting other people, places and things ahead of my recovery.
All of the things mentioned are red flags and I didn’t realize how easily I slipped backwards. I didn’t even see my addiction coming. It manifested itself in the form of me actively pursuing a better future and rocked me right to sleep in the here and now. I thought it was because I am cleaning house and trashing a lot of my belongings, but it was deeper than that. A lot deeper. I am grateful that I noticed a change in my behavior before it became too late. I am thankful to the people closest to me that point out things and make me take a look at myself. I am thankful for the program and the process of recovery. Without it I would not have been able to spot the problem nor do anything about it. I would have continued on the slippery slope until tragedy struck and I would’ve been off to the races again and all bets were off.
Recovery and the beautiful men and women in it have taught me a few things in the past 2 years and 3 months. I feel a sense of gratitude every time I think of how far I’ve come. I am only scratching the surface right now and have lots to learn in this life long process. But thank God I am learning and not continuing to make the same mistakes. I know what to do today. I have the tools and a support system today. I will make a new commitment to myself and my recovery.
Just for today. I will get back to the basics.
Peace and blessings