You know it’s not too long ago that I was a slave to my active addiction. 2 years and 4 short months ago I was on the verge of yet another stay in a state run facility or worse, facing a death sentence. I was at yet another bottom and was ready once again to force myself to end a life that was not worth living. I was feeling worthless and less than and was having a daily pity party. Isolation became the only way of life for me. I made a conscious decision years ago to abandon my family and any friends that I may have had because I was too embarrassed to let them see what I had become. I was, in my mind not fit to be around them and just stop showing up or calling anyone.
Life as I knew it was gone for a long time. It had been substituted with a new life as I knew it. I life that I had no control over. I life that I thought I could never escape from. A life that I knew one day would take my life and the crazy part is. I was ok with it. I had settled for it, accepted it as my only alternative. I lied to myself every day. I told myself that I would die using, that I could never stop using so get used to it. I believed those lies to be the truth and stop trying to change my situation. I gave up on myself. I ran from my responsibility to myself. I allowed my addiction to take such deep root in me that I lost the ability to see that I have been given ample opportunities to escape. I have been given life saving information time and time again but never utilized it.
I believed that I was alone and that no one would or could ever understand what I was going through nor would anyone really care.
I was wrong…
I have always had a way out. I have always had people who cared and wanted to help me and tried to help me. I just never accepted the help, I was in denial at first and later was too caught up to care anymore. I allowed my addiction to take control and lived my life according to the lies that I have been fed by a negative source that’s only objective is to help me kill myself.
Fear is a motivator. It can either motivate me to take action or it can keep me stuck in a never ending cycle. I allowed my fear to keep me frozen in time and doing the same things over and over at first expecting different results and in the end knowing the results and doing the same thing anyway. For some they say that’s insanity. For me it was just the way things were. It was how I survived day to day. So I guess what I am saying is I am insane. I was definitely insane in my active addiction but what about now. I have been clean for a very short time and my thinking is far from clear. I still do things over and over expecting different results and even do things knowing the results and still do them anyway. So I ask you. Am I insane?
To answer my own question I say no. I am not insane I am learning to break old habits and cycles that have been ingrained in me. It’s a process that takes time. My behavioral patterns have changed tremendously but I still suffer from a disease that wants me dead and will always be with me. It shows up in different areas of my life at different times and if I am not conscious of it and if I forget that fact. I am sure to repeat. It doesn’t have to always be about using drugs. Drugs was a minor symptom of a bigger diagnosis. I know today that I’ve had this disease long before I ever picked up my first drink or drug. I have always wanted to be someone else because I never like who I was. Low self esteem didn’t just happen to me over night or when I started to sink to new bottoms or even when I sank to the old and familiar ones. No this problem with self has been a long and persistent thorn in my side.
I am grateful that today I have a program. I am in a process that is teaching me about me. I have people who are just like me in my life and that let’s me know that I am not alone. That in itself is a major relief because for years I thought I was unique. I never thought I would find anyone that would understand. But I did. I am being guided on this journey by some truly amazing people who have walked this path before me. They do not try to do it for me but they help me to be able to do it for myself. I am learning how to face my fears and not to allow them to back me down. I am learning how to be responsible and accountable for my actions. I am becoming human. Lol. That sounds crazy but If you have ever suffered from addiction then you know exactly what I am talking about. I am grateful that I came to believe in a power greater than myself. I am grateful that I came to believe that I too could get clean. I am grateful that I believe in myself enough to continue on this road. I see the results, I feel the results, I am living the results
I am grateful that I am learning to face everything and recover.