I have allowed fear of success to keep me stuck in a never ending cycle of not attempting things. If I did attempt something I would give up when things got to difficult or when things weren’t moving as fast as I felt they should be. I would allow others to move forward when I knew that I was more than qualified to step up. I would dumb down so as not to draw attention to myself.
The funny thing about that is, whenever I attempted something and was successful I realize that it wasn’t even as difficult or scary as I originally thought. I see that the fear I had wasn’t even necessary and just by my being consistent and not giving up. I accomplished the task.
I find that I also do this when asked questions. I have always had a fear of tests. Taking tests and being quizzed make me somewhat uncomfortable and I will get nervous and anxiety causes me to just say I don’t know rather than risk being wrong. I know the answer but I will freeze and then just not answer it. Whenever I know I have to take an exam, I get all worked up before the actual test, but usually after the exam is over I find out not only did I pass but I actually did very well.
I have come to learn in recovery that I have caused some real damage to my self esteem, self worth and the way that I see myself and talk to myself. I allowed my past failures and disappointments to dictate my life and determine my life’s direction. I have been practicing elevating my self esteem by not allowing my past to remain prevalent and not placing so much importance on those failures and disappointments. I have been practicing positive self talk and allowing myself to actually believe the compliments that people give me. I have been allowing myself to give me my own pat on the back.
I know deep down that I am smart, worthy of love and friends and that I am capable of doing anything that I put my mind to. I need to remember to keep that up front and smash the negativity that has run unopposed for so long. I know way more than I let others think I know. I need to stop dumbing myself down just to fit in. That is a behavior that I have practiced in my active addiction and it’s gone on long enough. I will no longer allow my fear to keep me from rising to my full potential.
I will trust myself and start experiencing the full benefits of what I have to offer myself and others.
Peace and blessings