I ALMOST KILLED THE WRONG GUY


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I am a recovering addict. I’ve used drugs for over 3 quarters of my life and I never thought that I would ever stop using. Today I am 2 years 1 month 2 days clean.

I had plenty of support (in the beginning) but as time went by and I kept using no one cared anymore. No one tried to help me because I refused to help myself. I refused to help myself because I believed the lies that I was telling myself. I believed that I wasn’t that bad. That I could stop any time I wanted. That I would die using. ALL LIES. I had given up all hope a long time ago and settled for life the way it was. I was miserable all the time, I was angry, lonely, desperate, tired, ashamed, guilt ridden, fearful, disgusted, broken, battered and bruised. Then one day I realized that when I tried to stop, I couldn’t stop. For the life of me I just couldn’t stop.

Addiction had it’s grips on me from the beginning. I’m talking about being a dead black out drunk at the age of 12. I’m talking about snorting coke and heroin, smoke dust and dropping tabs of acid before my 15th birthday. All the while telling myself that I can stop anytime I wanted to, I just didn’t want to stop. I was having fun. I was free and everything was alright.The more the evidence pointed towards me having a problem the more I denied it. The thicker the cloud of denial the more I used. The progression got deeper and deeper and I got lost in the covering up and hiding. My whole life changed for the worse and I still lied to myself about my problem. Deep down inside I knew better but I had no idea how to turn things around. I had no idea the depth of my addiction. Jails and institutions followed but I still didn’t stop. I would come home and start the vicious cycle all over again. Over and over, year after year.

My story is probably no different than a lot of other people’s. I say probably because I can only tell my truth. I cannot speak for someone else. I can however say this.

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

Addiction kills everything. It killed my hopes, my dreams, my faith, my family, jobs, friends, relationships and in the end it almost killed me. I was ready to die. I wanted to die so bad that I looked for ways to carry it out. I thank God that I was not successful. I am grateful that I was blessed with opportunity after opportunity until I finally took advantage of the help that was being offered. If I had been successful in killing myself…

I WOULD HAVE KILLED THE WRONG GUY.

The guy that I wanted dead was fueled by obsession and compulsion, by self centeredness and ego. I was brain washed into thinking that I was worthless by a disease that wants me to believe that I am better off dead. But I was sick and I really didn’t have a choice. I was saved by my higher power. Something called and the real me in a moment of clarity was able to answer. A desire was awaken in me to change and I was blessed with yet another chance. I am given this chance to make a difference not only in my own life but to spread my knowledge, my experiences, my hopes to others. Letting others know that there is a way out of that mess. There is hope and life after the living hell from which I escaped. I know this today and I keep reminding myself that.

I would have killed the wrong guy.

 

Peace and blessings

Eric Ease

10 thoughts on “I ALMOST KILLED THE WRONG GUY

  1. Powerful! Can I just say that I am so glad that you experienced that moment of clarity because I have the pleasure of meeting and getting to know you and seeing how far you have come. You are truly an inspiration, particularly for men of color who don’t always get the benefit of the doubt; you’ve shown that change is not only possible, you can thrive from it and be a blessing to others!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Nadine. I am grateful for that moment of clarity also. I could have missed out on so much. I would never have guessed that life could be so great. Thanks for all your support and for your friendship. I truly appreciate it. Have a fantastic day.

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  2. Hey Eric, it sounds like you are doing well my friend, and I am glad if that is the truth. You write that addiction had it’s grips on you, and you are so right, with it’s purpose of pulling you to the bottom and destroying you, BUT, I am so glad that our God had His hand on you, with a better plan. Even when you could not see of know it, God was protecting you, until finally your inner eyes were opened, and you actually saw the hell that was available and being offered to you, and you received the help.
    As you have learned, and are continuing to learn this new and better way of living, God has great plans for you Eric. You have a wide circle of influence, and with the Power of God working in and through you, many can hear truth as you did, and be guided from a life of self destruction. Jesus Christ will continue to be your Strength, and The Holy Spirit will empower and guide you.
    I am thankful for you Eric, and praying for you, that many will be helped, and lifted up because of your willingness to speak and write, eager to help others,
    God Bless you my Friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello George. I am doing great. I am grateful that God saw fit to intervene and give me another life line. I am excited to see what he has in store for my future. Thank you for your prayers and support. I am truly appreciative of it. Peace and blessings my friend.

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