Well it’s that time of the year again. The holiday season is upon us and the festivities are already in full swing. Although Thanksgiving has not even arrived yet, the stores are gearing up for Christmas. It’s almost like Thanksgiving doesn’t even matter anymore. Anyway that is not why I am posting today.
I know that this time of year brings families together full of good cheer and laughter. I know that this is the time of the year when people get together and spread the holiday joy to one another in the spirit of Christmas and all that. But there are millions of people who’s holidays are not full of cheer and laughter. There are people around the world who are suffering from one affliction or another. There are people who do not have a home to go to or a family to gather around and tell stories with. Yes for some of us there is no happy in our holiday. Then there are those who didn’t make it to see another holiday. There addiction won, they unfortunately didn’t get to hear the life saving message of recovery. My thought, prayers and condolences go out to them. I know all to well what the holidays mean to a addict. I know what its like to be all alone during this supposed to be happy time of year. I can remember the empty feelings, the loneliness, the despair and desperation.
The feelings created by this holiday season can wreak havoc on addicts. This is the time of the year when the most relapses occur. The holiday season is particularly dangerous for those of us in recovery if we are not vigilant and remain aware of our surroundings at all times. I remember getting extra high just because it was Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. The Triple Threat. This is real for me, being a addict my feelings are in full swing. I am switching through emotions like normal people switch through the remote control. I am up one minute and down the next. I wish I was with my family one minute and then fuck them they don’t care nothing about me the next. I am good one minute and I want to get high the next. All that can play out over and over in my head if I am not doing what I need to do to maintain my recovery / (POOF).
Just like that…It can all be gone. I can be running buck wild again.
Using is a choice and the choice is usually made long before the relapse actually happens. I am speaking from my own experience and not as a spokes person for the masses. I know that before I actually picked up a series of things happened. The first being my attitude and behaviors started leaning more towards the negative again. I started to entertain those thoughts in my head. The ones that tell me this is not working and I really can’t possibly think that I am really going to succeed at staying clean. Second I became disconnected with my support network and stopped making meetings. I cut myself off from the heard. I allowed myself to become vulnerable to the lions and tigers that were waiting in the dark places in my head. Third I got the Fuck It’s. I don’t need this, I don’t care, I can do what ever the Fuck I want to. Well needless to say you know what it was that I wanted to do and so I did.
I used and in a very short period I was right back where I started.
It took me a couple of relapses to realize the pattern and it took me to start talking to people and asking for help before I was able to recognize it and reverse it. With the help of the fellowship, friends and of course my higher power I have survived this far. I had to make some changes and take some suggestions. Here are a couple of them that helped me not only survive the holidays but day by day in general.
Make meetings (in NY they have marathon meetings 24hrs on holidays). Get phone numbers at every meeting. (Dial them do not just file them). Get a home group. It helps to have a place that I go regularly so people get to know who I am and will miss me when I do not show up. It is a very helpful tool. I made many friends in my home group and I love them. Get a sponsor. Someone who can help guide me in the process of recovery. I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE. (Believe me I tried).
The bottom line is this.
I never have to use again. It is not easy to stay clean but it is damn sure a hell of a lot easier than trying to make it back and its well worth it. I am forever grateful.
I just wanted to share this with everyone and ask that you say a little prayer for the still sick and suffering addicts who are out there this holiday season. May God keep them safe and bring them home.
Peace and blessings