When I look back on my past relationships I can see what part I played today. I can remember like it was yesterday all the failed relationships. The hurt, disappointed stares, the arguments and fighting. Then I was mainly in active addiction and my insanity level was pretty extreme. I wasn’t a good listener, I didn’t show any kind of support. I wasn’t caring of anyone’s feelings. I was only interested in sex and drugs. Nothing else mattered and after a while I didn’t care too much about the sex either.
I have been known to sabotage relationships, jobs and anything else that was good. I ruined friendships and distanced myself from my family members. All direct result of my addiction. I never learned how to be in a healthy relationship. Not since I was a little boy have I been able to express love or been able to allow someone to love me. I always felt unlovable, unloved and that made me different. It made me distant and cold.
I’ve only recently discovered how to be present in a relationship. Not only with myself, but also with my significant other, my coworkers and now with my family. I didn’t know anything about self love, or that in order to learn to love others, I had to first love myself. Learning to love myself has been one of the hardest things I have had to do in a long time. Although I used to think I wasn’t worthy. Today I know different and the more I learn about myself the more I realize that I am the bomb. Lol. No but seriously I am realizing that I am worthy and that I have a lot to offer. I am not who I’ve always told myself that I am. That washed up useless so and so.
It’s a beautiful feeling self discovery. As I walk this new path, I am amazed at all the wonderful things that I have been missing out on all these years. I have found a sense of purpose and hope has once again graced me with its presence. Love is in the air and I am smelling it daily. I am not only smelling it. I am inhaling it, accepting it and finding out that I am able to return it without any ulterior motives. I am only looking for the love given to be returned and I have found just that.
It’s amazing how much better life is when I stay out of my head and allow things to flow there natural course. When I am not trying to control outcomes and manipulate situations and just go with my heart. I can smile for no apparent reason to some but I know why I’m smiling today.
Because I’m Happy.