When I look back on my past relationships I can see what part I played today. I can remember like it was yesterday all the failed relationships. The hurt, disappointed stares, the arguments and fighting. Then I was mainly in active addiction and my insanity level was pretty extreme. I wasn’t a good listener,  I didn’t show any kind of support. I wasn’t caring of anyone’s feelings. I was only interested in sex and drugs. Nothing else mattered and after a while I didn’t care too much about the sex either.

I have been known to sabotage relationships, jobs and anything else that was good. I ruined friendships and distanced myself from my family members. All direct result of my addiction. I never learned how to be in a healthy relationship. Not since I was a little boy have I been able to express love or been able to allow someone to love me. I always felt unlovable, unloved and that made me different. It made me distant and cold.

I’ve only recently discovered how to be present in a relationship. Not only with myself, but also with my significant other, my coworkers and now with my family. I didn’t know anything about self love, or that in order to learn to love others, I had to first love myself. Learning to love myself has been one of the hardest things I have had to do in a long time. Although I used to think I wasn’t worthy. Today I know different and the more I learn about myself the more I realize that I am the bomb. Lol. No but seriously I am realizing that I am worthy and that I have a lot to offer. I am not who I’ve always told myself that I am. That washed up useless so and so.

It’s a beautiful feeling self discovery. As I walk this new path, I am amazed at all the wonderful things that I have been missing out on all these years. I have found a sense of purpose and hope has once again graced me with its presence. Love is in the air and I am smelling it daily. I am not only smelling it. I am inhaling it, accepting it and finding out that I am able to return it without any ulterior motives. I am only looking for the love given to be returned and I have found just that.

It’s amazing how much better life is when I stay out of my head and allow things to flow there natural course. When I am not trying to control outcomes and manipulate situations and just go with my heart. I can smile for no apparent reason to some but I know why I’m smiling today.

Because I’m Happy.


  1. I can definitely relate to this! I was a self-saboteur for a long, long time. I’m actually on the relationships section of step 4 now and it’s been difficult to get through but really exhilarating to be aware and mindful of the patterns. Letting go feels pretty great, and you really hit the nail on the head of what it finally feels like when you do!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sharing your identification. The fourth step is definitely a eye opener. I’m grateful for the steps. Yes indeed. Letting go was difficult at first and sometimes still is but I get better at it and just knowing how much freedom I get from letting go definitely helps me in my process. Thank you for reading and commenting on my post. I truly appreciate your feedback. Have a fantastic day. ☺


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