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I have been a little down lately due to an overwhelming feeling of being stuck. I have been wanting to do something, anything but not knowing what to do has kept me from doing anything. I have been searching for what I want to do with my life lately and as you might remember I posted I have been coming up blank. My sponsor gave me a task a couple of weeks ago to write down some short-term and long-term goals. I have been procrastinating with completing, no with starting this task. (I have not written one single thing yet). I have not started yet for lack of direction, lack of a real focus on what my goals are.

My main goal for the last 2 years has just been to stay clean. Now that I have been able to maintain my recovery and have been doing some work on myself I am beginning to feel the need for something more. Of course staying clean will remain my goal and I will continue to have the same focus and energy towards that goal. The emptiness that I am feeling has nothing to do with missing drugs or wanting to use. Its more like ok now that I am clean what’s next. My life has been so empty for so long that I kind of gotten used to doing nothing, attempting nothing and that is just not acceptable any longer. I need to find things to do to fill this void, to occupy my time and my mind other than recovery. Not taking anything away from the gratitude that I feel towards my recovery process. I think it has more to do with growing than anything else.

I have not given much thought to anything that I would really like to do until I started feeling empty lately. I know this might sound a little crazy to some but for years I had no aspirations no dreams, no goals. I just laid back and let time go by. I never thought that I would be where I am today. I always thought I would die out there.  Being clean, learning to love myself and live a productive life has made me look at things differently. I want more of what this life has to offer. I know that I am capable of great things. I know that there is much more to this life than what I could ever imagine.

I just need to take those first steps. Now with that being said I can get to the exact nature. I have always let fear keep me from making moves in the right direction.

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It’s really funny when I think about it because when I was using I wasn’t afraid of too many things. I could do some dangerous shit all damn day long but when it comes to doing something positive to better myself I become apprehensive because of fear. I have been sharing about everything else now its time to get to the root of the problem and so I will be putting it out in the universe at my meetings and with my sponsor and network immediately so I can get the help with this that I need.

After all I can only get the help if I allow people to know what is wrong.



  2. before i could honestly think about what i wanted to do with my life, it was suggested to write five things i fear. procrastination is the fear of commitment and responsibility. apathy is a sense of indifference (the opposite of love) and laziness. those two enemies permeated my fractured personality for decades – yet, i was, somehow, in denial of both.

    part of my struggle was lack of faith, in myself and a loving god. another part of my struggle was a (lifetime) feeling of disappointment in myself. as a kid, i had some aspirations, goals and dreams. when i repeatedly failed, my expectations for success became unrealistic. and eventually, i set the bar so high, i could no longer see it: self-sabotage

    through prayer, meditation, self-examination and talking with others, it was revealed to me i have a passion for writing, and being of service to humanity. eric, give yourself a break today. give yourself a break tomorrow. give yourself a break the day after tomorrow. stay on the path and your dreams will be realized.

    …but you might have to get out of your own way, first 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sharing your identification and experience Mark. I also appreciate your support, encouragement and suggestions. I also get similar suggestions from my sponsor and it helps tremendously to reinforce what I need to be working on. Your right I need to give myself a break and definitely get out of my own way. I tend to be very hard on myself and to think in extremes. All or nothing. I am searching to find that balance within and I know I will. Giving time time is difficult at times. As I grow and as long as I keep writing and releasing it from my head I will get better. Thanks again I always appreciate your feedback. Have a great day brother.


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