For years I blamed all my problems on my parents, my childhood, my environment, my teachers, my this and my that. But it was in all reality MY FAULT. I didn’t know anything about denial or being self centered. I surely didn’t have a clue about being responsible or taking ownership. All I knew was nothing was my fault.
It was easier to blame you for my failures. That way I didn’t have to see how bad I had truly become. The disease had me fooled for years and kept me blind to the fact that I was the only one responsible for my actions and outcomes. I refused to take any responsibility for anything bad that happened. And refused to give any credit for anything good that happened. I had no faith in a higher power so anytime I was blessed or spared it was all my doing. If I was down and out it was your doing.
In the end, when I had used and abused everyone and there was no one left to blame I was faced with the ugly truth. I was forced to start to take a good, long hard look at myself and what I had become. By then I was so far gone that I didn’t care. I could easily admit to being a failure and I could see nothing but the negative effects and negative outcomes. I couldn’t see not one positive thing about myself so the blame game continued on for years. Resentments and anger took over and I became a very bitter and lonely person.
In the very end I lost all hope. I had become someone else and couldn’t recognize myself anymore. I used to be able to hear little glimpses of Eric’s voice fighting to get out. But the voice eventually got quiet. The voice had died somewhere along the way. There were no traces of my true self left. I had so many masks and lied to myself for so long that Eric was gone for ever.
Or so I thought…
I wanted to die. There was no one left to blame for my predicament. I was face to face with me. Tears, loneliness and despair were all that was left. I was a shattered man. Broken, abandoned and disguarded like yesterday’s trash. I was at the end of my road.
Recovery changed all of that.
I am forever grateful for had it not been for the devine intervention of my Higher Power. I would have ended my life and blamed the world one last time. Today I recognize and take ownership for my part in my life. No one forced me to make the choices I made. No one forced me to continue to do the same things over and over expecting different results. No one but me. I made those decisions. Bad decisions or not they were mines and I did the best I could with what I had at the time. I regret wasting so much of my life but I am also thankful that I made it out. I am blessed to be able to share my experience and gain from others experiences. It didn’t have to be this way. As for the wasted time. I can never get it back but I can make damn sure every day from this point on counts for something. I have a purpose and a destination. I am no longer pointing fingers and placing blame. I am becoming who I was meant to be. Growing and learning one day at a time.
It feels stupendous.