I have been thinking a lot about what it is that I want to do in life. To be totally honest I haven’t got a clue. I am just beginning to live life and sometimes it can be a little overwhelming. For a long time I was stuck in a never ending cycle of using, jails, institutions, pain and misery. Now that those things have been removed I feel a sense of loss. I’m not sure if you can relate to this. It’s strange not having to deal with and survive the day to day madness. Now don’t get me wrong, I am grateful that I am living clean and my struggles are far and few between. It’s just adjusting to not living foul and finding new things to do after doing the same things day in and day out is different.
Change is scary. New is scary. Fear can either be a motivator or it can hold me back. I have allowed my fears to hold me back for a long time. Now that I can see it and I understand a little more about it. I want to change it. I want to abandon my fears and take risks and begin to challenge myself. The only problem is I don’t know where to start. I am stuck in neutral. Wanting to do something new but not knowing what new I want to do. Sometimes that alone frustrates the shit out of me. That’s when I begin to doubt myself and the old familiar negative self talk kicks into full swing. I know this now because I have been able to do some work on getting to know myself through step work and meetings.
I am very critical of myself. I am a harsh critic when it comes to me. I also know this and I try to correct it as soon as I recognize it. It’s not always easy because I have done so for so many years. I have to continuously remind myself to take it easy. I feel at times that I should be further along than I am because of my age. I beat myself up at times because I waited so long to change and I feel like I wasted my life. All the negative side effects of the twisted thinking patterns of addiction.
The first thing I need to do is stay out of the devils playground between my ears. If I stay in there too long nothing good will come out of it. I still have a lot of negative issues to deal with and I know in time I will be better equipped to handle those thoughts. For now I share openly and honestly about it. I can only get the help I need when I let others know the exact nature of what’s going on. I also need to stop being so hard on myself. I am doing a great job in my recovery and my life in general and need to recognize and acknowledge that fact daily. I also need to continue working on loving myself. I am at a point where I tend to flip flop on this and self love is key to my growing experience. Sometimes I fall short on giving myself the love that I so easily give to others.
Looking forward as I work on staying clean for my 3rd year. I know some of the areas of focus. I am grateful for recovery and all the people who I have met along the way. I have a awesome network, sponsor, girlfriend and online recovery family. I am truly blessed by each and every one of you and do not take this fact for granted. I appreciate your support and encouragement and love you all. I have work to do but I am also thankful for the work that has already been done.
I might not know where it is that I am going. But I do know that where ever it is…
IT’S DEFINITELY FORWARD!