THINK, DON’T THINK, THINK, OVER THINK


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Thinking about it too much leads to
never doing it.

It can be anything from quitting smoking to taking a risk to trusting someone with my heart again.

If I dwell in my own thoughts for too long I can and will eventually think myself right out of ever attempting it. Then there’s  the other side of it. I allow myself to become vulnerable and after I have I start to find things to over think about. If I stay stuck in the war zone between my ears I can destroy anything in a matter of minutes.

I say that because being a recovering addict is a full time job in a sense. The disease attacks me where I am most vulnerable. Low self esteem, low self worth,  trust issues,  past hurts and pains. When I get a dejavu moment I can automatically associate the old experience with the here and now. If left unchecked I can allow that past experience to consume my thoughts and it can become a present day problem quick fast in a hurry.

I know that my thinking is upside down. I am aware of how the disease of addiction will playback thoughts from the past and then start to talk to me in my own voice and attempt to make me believe that it is happening all over again. The disease of addiction is relentless in it pursuit of making my life miserable. It is always checking in to see If I would like to revisit my past and start the vicious cycle all over again. I know that I have to remain vigilant and always on guard. I know that If I allow myself to forget or to feed into those negative thoughts. I can and will be doomed to repeat the life that I am fighting so hard to escape.

A idle mind is the Devils playground.

I am forever grateful for the process of recovery. I am learning how to combat the disease. I am learning how to find alternatives to dealing with my feelings. I am learning about myself and learning how to accept what I find. Recovery is a learning experience. It’s a life long process and it’s about recognizing my  progress and being satisfied where I am and not wanting to be somewhere I am not. I know where I came from. I know how blessed I am to be alive today. To be able to share my experiences. I know way to many people who were not as fortunate. So I know better than to take this opportunity for granted. I made it back from the depths of hell and truly believe that I do not have another run in me.  I am not willing to test the waters to find out either.

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