Day: November 1, 2015

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BECAUSE I’M HAPPY

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I used to think that I would never find love or be happy. It seemed that I was destined to be miserable and alone for the rest of my life. I couldn’t understand why I kept getting into bad relationships and why they always ended with me being the bad guy. Hurt and alone one day I decided to give up. I figured right then that being alone was better than being in another bad relationship.

Deep down inside I truly wanted to find someone to love and to love me. I felt lonely and like no one cares. I felt abandoned, betrayed, unloved and unloveable. My mind raced with all the reasons why I didn’t need anyone and as a result. I became a bitter person. I blamed everyone and everything for my circumstances not realizing that it begins and ends with me. I was the cause of my unhappiness. I was the reason my relationships weren’t working. I was selfish and self centeredness is the core of the disease of addiction. But I was in denial and continued to blame everyone else.

Eventually I realized it, but it took me years to understand it. It wasn’t until I came into recovery that I began to get an understanding. I was afforded the opportunity to do some work on myself, ask questions and get acceptance of the part that I played in all of my relationships. I began to understand that it’s not all about me and that I am not as good nor as bad as I’ve told myself for all those years. I am finally able to take a look at me. To talk about me, my feelings, thoughts, hopes and fears. I am learning that being vulnerable is not a bad thing. I’m not saying that I like being vulnerable and it’s definitely not a easy thing to do. But I understand that I don’t have to be afraid to be vulnerable because I grow from the experience and exposure. I am learning to love myself for who I am. That I don’t need anyone to validate me. I am worthy of love and it starts from within.

I am not saying that I have mastered anything. I fall short on a regular basis and make plenty of mistakes since getting clean. I have tried and failed and felt like giving up from time to time. But I know that If I allow myself to give up then I am not allowing myself to grow. I will be stagnant and become complacent. I will eventually return to my old ways and that is unacceptable.

That being said I met someone recently. In the beginning I wasn’t sure whether I was really ready. I was afraid of being vulnerable because I allowed my worse fears to make me feel inadequate. To make a long story short and that is by no means to take away from how we got to where we are today. I am happy. She makes me happy. We are happy together. I miss her when I am not around her. I think about us and I can’t help but smile and I get a warm feeling. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way about anyone. It’s scary at times, but I will not allow fear to rob me of my happiness any longer. Learning to love myself has allowed me to learn how to love her. It is still a learning process and I will never be perfect. She allows me my process and I allow her hers.

I never thought I would be happy again. Recovery has afforded me my gifts and I am truly grateful. But no gift I could ever receive is better than the gift of love. When it’s given and received.

That my friends is priceless.

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THINK, DON’T THINK, THINK, OVER THINK

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Thinking about it too much leads to
never doing it.

It can be anything from quitting smoking to taking a risk to trusting someone with my heart again.

If I dwell in my own thoughts for too long I can and will eventually think myself right out of ever attempting it. Then there’s  the other side of it. I allow myself to become vulnerable and after I have I start to find things to over think about. If I stay stuck in the war zone between my ears I can destroy anything in a matter of minutes.

I say that because being a recovering addict is a full time job in a sense. The disease attacks me where I am most vulnerable. Low self esteem, low self worth,  trust issues,  past hurts and pains. When I get a dejavu moment I can automatically associate the old experience with the here and now. If left unchecked I can allow that past experience to consume my thoughts and it can become a present day problem quick fast in a hurry.

I know that my thinking is upside down. I am aware of how the disease of addiction will playback thoughts from the past and then start to talk to me in my own voice and attempt to make me believe that it is happening all over again. The disease of addiction is relentless in it pursuit of making my life miserable. It is always checking in to see If I would like to revisit my past and start the vicious cycle all over again. I know that I have to remain vigilant and always on guard. I know that If I allow myself to forget or to feed into those negative thoughts. I can and will be doomed to repeat the life that I am fighting so hard to escape.

A idle mind is the Devils playground.

I am forever grateful for the process of recovery. I am learning how to combat the disease. I am learning how to find alternatives to dealing with my feelings. I am learning about myself and learning how to accept what I find. Recovery is a learning experience. It’s a life long process and it’s about recognizing my  progress and being satisfied where I am and not wanting to be somewhere I am not. I know where I came from. I know how blessed I am to be alive today. To be able to share my experiences. I know way to many people who were not as fortunate. So I know better than to take this opportunity for granted. I made it back from the depths of hell and truly believe that I do not have another run in me.  I am not willing to test the waters to find out either.