NOT IN MY TIME


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I can remember for the longest time giving up, because I felt like things weren’t happening fast enough. I want what I want. And I want it now. Never taking the time to put in any real work, commitment or dedication to anything but always expecting to receive maximum results. When things didn’t happen to my satisfaction. I quit. I moved on to the next thing. That was my life. It didn’t matter what it was. Relationships, jobs, school, exercise whatever. When I didn’t get what I felt I should’ve I  walked away from it.

So as you can imagine I never finished a lot of things that I started. I placed unrealistic expectations on every thing and every one I came in contact with and always felt short changed as a result.

When I first got clean, I did the same thing. I started to feel like I should be further along than I was and I stopped doing the things that were keeping me clean. I felt like recovery wasn’t working. Little did I know then that It was working but I wasn’t. I wasn’t taking the suggestions or doing anything to maintain my recovery other than making meetings. Needless to say I quit and I relapsed.

Sometimes I find myself still wanting to walk away from my recovery today. I feel like I am not changing and that it’s a waist of time. I mostly feel this way when something that I want doesn’t happen. When I place an unrealistic expectation on something or someone. When I take the time to evaluate the situation I can usually see where I went wrong. What part I played in the situation that is causing me to want to go run and hide. Most of the time it’s because I chose to ignore all the signs. I chose to go with self will and not my gut. I chose to continue when everything and everyone around me is screaming for me to stop. I am usually the cause of my own pain and discomfort.

I have come to a point in my life where I am tired of the pain. I am tired of causing myself unnecessary heartaches and headaches. I am tired of trying to control and manipulate situations to satisfy my self will. I’ve come to the point when enough is enough. I realize that it’s not that I will never get the things I want. It’s just that I have to learn how to give myself time to really figure out what it is that I really want. Stop running on what my mind thinks it wants and to Listen to my heart. God’s will for me will reveal itself in time. If I allow myself a second to relax and take a  breath.

Just for today. I will let go and listen for the guidance of my Higher Power.

Slowing down.

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