I have been searching for love and validation from anyone that would give it to me for like the last year. I have been allowing people to treat me as a after thought, an option and even a late night call. Searching to fill a void. A void that no one can fill but me. Being a people pleaser and a yes man. Dumbing myself down just to be around someone. That’s no different than doing shit just to fit in when I was using drugs. My spiritual condition has been stagnant because I refuse to lean on my Higher Power to fill the void. I allow my disease to tell me the loneliness and emptiness will never go away and in turn allow that to dictate my actions. I feel like I am still acting out on old behaviors. I am still suffering in silence because I refuse to share with anyone how I feel. My ego and image are still in play and I am slowly killing myself. The pain that I am causing myself is unnecessary and can easily be eradicated. But I am struggling with exposing my weaknesses because I worry too damn much about how people will look at me, and who will use it against me. It’s sad but it’s true and I know it is because I witness people do it all the time.

These behaviors are causing me grief and I struggle with letting go. I don’t know how to let go. I am holding onto resentments and anger is eating away at my soul. Its easy for people to tell you shit like let go and let God. I don’t want to hear that shit. I want to hear how to let go and let God. I want to know How the fuck do I do it. Quoting the Basic Text and Slogans when I am in pain does nothing to help me when I am in the middle of a war that is going on inside my head. I feel like I am just spinning my wheels but I am not gaining any traction. I am far from stupid and I know what needs to be done. I’ve been given the answer over and over again. It’s time to make use of the suggestions and slow down. Stop moving so damn fast and then wondering how the hell did I get here again. Focus on what needs to be done and that’s work on myself and expose those negative demons that are trying to ruin my Happiness. Stop rushing into things and keep it simple. Stop over complicating my life. In reality I am not that lonely I have plenty of people who are here for me. I have plenty of people I can talk to and go to in the clutch. I need to start utilizing my network.

I need to remember that when my disease starts to talk to me and make me feel like less than the true great king that I am.
I am nobody’s #2. Option or after
That’s all bullshit and tell my disease to kick rocks.


  1. Yo dread you are too old to give a shit about how people see you. If you know you then regardless of anything you can be happy being you. Open up without thoughts of what a person may or may not think. You have a lot to offer and your resume says you are a success at life on this day so be proud to admit you have feelings desires wishes and who don’t get it aint worth it. Peace bro

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You write beautifully, I honestly don’t think that you need to share everything, but do share some things bounce around in your head now because of all the energy you have and potential you’re not putting to good use simply because of the years you let slip by using, it’s true meeting with the right crowds helps pass time and forget for short time. Look for a resourceful person who has been touched by the illness personally or through a loved one and has the ability to get you the same methods used and follow their advice not every worker , doctor not nurse can relate simply because they read it in a book. Most know shit, even if they truly want to help to start with(I doubt it) look into schools if it is an option for you. And you can’t put a price on prayers man open your heart to the all mighty. Peace

    Liked by 1 person


  4. Hey Eric. Perhaps this is now the spot and time when you move up and forward. I will say at the beginning, I don’t claim to ” The Answers” for everyone. But I will suggest that you stop allowing others to use you, and don’t allow others to use you as a “project” for themselves or their ego. You are much more than a project for someone to use to lift themselves up.
    I don’t know your network, but is there someone in your large group you can trust enough to sit and have coffee, and pour your true feelings out, knowing they are going to stay right with the two of you and go no further. It is really difficult to get through these difficult times by oneself.
    I do believe Eric, you know exactly what to do, because you write it near the end, that you have plenty of people you can talk to and go to. Be cautious my friend, pick the right one and talk.

    You are already a VICTOR and an OVERCOMER Eric. Work at not allowing yourself to pull yourself down, as well as not sticking others who may seem to put you down by word or actions.

    God Bless you Eric, I will be praying for you, that you will know what to do, having Peace and Trust as you go forward.

    I hope this rambling may make some kind of sense, and is not confusing or upsetting.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you George. No its not confusing nor upsetting. It’s just what I needed to hear. I do have a select few that I can tell anything to. I am grateful for them. I am tired of being used by people and people pleasing. It’s definitely time to step up and move forward. Thank you again George for your comment and suggestions. I appreciate them. Have a blessed evening my friend.


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