I have been searching for love and validation from anyone that would give it to me for like the last year. I have been allowing people to treat me as a after thought, an option and even a late night call. Searching to fill a void. A void that no one can fill but me. Being a people pleaser and a yes man. Dumbing myself down just to be around someone. That’s no different than doing shit just to fit in when I was using drugs. My spiritual condition has been stagnant because I refuse to lean on my Higher Power to fill the void. I allow my disease to tell me the loneliness and emptiness will never go away and in turn allow that to dictate my actions. I feel like I am still acting out on old behaviors. I am still suffering in silence because I refuse to share with anyone how I feel. My ego and image are still in play and I am slowly killing myself. The pain that I am causing myself is unnecessary and can easily be eradicated. But I am struggling with exposing my weaknesses because I worry too damn much about how people will look at me, and who will use it against me. It’s sad but it’s true and I know it is because I witness people do it all the time.
These behaviors are causing me grief and I struggle with letting go. I don’t know how to let go. I am holding onto resentments and anger is eating away at my soul. Its easy for people to tell you shit like let go and let God. I don’t want to hear that shit. I want to hear how to let go and let God. I want to know How the fuck do I do it. Quoting the Basic Text and Slogans when I am in pain does nothing to help me when I am in the middle of a war that is going on inside my head. I feel like I am just spinning my wheels but I am not gaining any traction. I am far from stupid and I know what needs to be done. I’ve been given the answer over and over again. It’s time to make use of the suggestions and slow down. Stop moving so damn fast and then wondering how the hell did I get here again. Focus on what needs to be done and that’s work on myself and expose those negative demons that are trying to ruin my Happiness. Stop rushing into things and keep it simple. Stop over complicating my life. In reality I am not that lonely I have plenty of people who are here for me. I have plenty of people I can talk to and go to in the clutch. I need to start utilizing my network.
I need to remember that when my disease starts to talk to me and make me feel like less than the true great king that I am.
I am nobody’s #2. Option or after
That’s all bullshit and tell my disease to kick rocks.