I AM NOT AN OPTION OR A AFTER THOUGHT. I AM MAIN MATERIAL!

I have been searching for love and validation from anyone that would give it to me for like the last year. I have been allowing people to treat me as a after thought, an option and even a late night call. Searching to fill a void. A void that no one can fill but me. Being a people pleaser and a yes man. Dumbing myself down just to be around someone. That’s no different than doing shit just to fit in when I was using drugs. My spiritual condition has been stagnant because I refuse to lean on my Higher Power to fill the void. I allow my disease to tell me the loneliness and emptiness will never go away and in turn allow that to dictate my actions. I feel like I am still acting out on old behaviors. I am still suffering in silence because I refuse to share with anyone how I feel. My ego and image are still in play and I am slowly killing myself. The pain that I am causing myself is unnecessary and can easily be eradicated. But I am struggling with exposing my weaknesses because I worry too damn much about how people will look at me, and who will use it against me. It’s sad but it’s true and I know it is because I witness people do it all the time.

These behaviors are causing me grief and I struggle with letting go. I don’t know how to let go. I am holding onto resentments and anger is eating away at my soul. Its easy for people to tell you shit like let go and let God. I don’t want to hear that shit. I want to hear how to let go and let God. I want to know How the fuck do I do it. Quoting the Basic Text and Slogans when I am in pain does nothing to help me when I am in the middle of a war that is going on inside my head. I feel like I am just spinning my wheels but I am not gaining any traction. I am far from stupid and I know what needs to be done. I’ve been given the answer over and over again. It’s time to make use of the suggestions and slow down. Stop moving so damn fast and then wondering how the hell did I get here again. Focus on what needs to be done and that’s work on myself and expose those negative demons that are trying to ruin my Happiness. Stop rushing into things and keep it simple. Stop over complicating my life. In reality I am not that lonely I have plenty of people who are here for me. I have plenty of people I can talk to and go to in the clutch. I need to start utilizing my network.

I need to remember that when my disease starts to talk to me and make me feel like less than the true great king that I am.
I am nobody’s #2. Option or after
thought.
That’s all bullshit and tell my disease to kick rocks.

NOT IN MY TIME

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I can remember for the longest time giving up, because I felt like things weren’t happening fast enough. I want what I want. And I want it now. Never taking the time to put in any real work, commitment or dedication to anything but always expecting to receive maximum results. When things didn’t happen to my satisfaction. I quit. I moved on to the next thing. That was my life. It didn’t matter what it was. Relationships, jobs, school, exercise whatever. When I didn’t get what I felt I should’ve I  walked away from it.

So as you can imagine I never finished a lot of things that I started. I placed unrealistic expectations on every thing and every one I came in contact with and always felt short changed as a result.

When I first got clean, I did the same thing. I started to feel like I should be further along than I was and I stopped doing the things that were keeping me clean. I felt like recovery wasn’t working. Little did I know then that It was working but I wasn’t. I wasn’t taking the suggestions or doing anything to maintain my recovery other than making meetings. Needless to say I quit and I relapsed.

Sometimes I find myself still wanting to walk away from my recovery today. I feel like I am not changing and that it’s a waist of time. I mostly feel this way when something that I want doesn’t happen. When I place an unrealistic expectation on something or someone. When I take the time to evaluate the situation I can usually see where I went wrong. What part I played in the situation that is causing me to want to go run and hide. Most of the time it’s because I chose to ignore all the signs. I chose to go with self will and not my gut. I chose to continue when everything and everyone around me is screaming for me to stop. I am usually the cause of my own pain and discomfort.

I have come to a point in my life where I am tired of the pain. I am tired of causing myself unnecessary heartaches and headaches. I am tired of trying to control and manipulate situations to satisfy my self will. I’ve come to the point when enough is enough. I realize that it’s not that I will never get the things I want. It’s just that I have to learn how to give myself time to really figure out what it is that I really want. Stop running on what my mind thinks it wants and to Listen to my heart. God’s will for me will reveal itself in time. If I allow myself a second to relax and take a  breath.

Just for today. I will let go and listen for the guidance of my Higher Power.

Slowing down.