I have been blessed to have the opportunity to live life all over again. To have a fresh start at something that I have failed at miserably for many years. I never dreamed that this would be possible. I never thought that I would ever get out from under the horrors of my addiction. I gave up on ever having a normal life and settled for merely existing from day to day. My past life was a day to day struggle. In the end I was ready to give up. I wanted to quit living just like I quit everything else I ever started. I was beaten, broken and left in a state of utter despair.
That was then.
Today is a totally different story. I have a new found freedom. I have hope and I have faith that it can only get better. I know this to be true because I am actually living proof that it does get better. My life has gotten better and continues to get better every day that I stay clean. I used to say I would never be able to stop using. I am learning never say never. I am learning to look at the positive in a situation and not the negative as I always did in the past. I think the biggest thing for me was learning that no matter what I go through. I don’t ever have to use drugs again. I never have to ever again. I have a choice. I never felt like I had a choice before. Today I have the power to make healthy decisions. I don’t always make the right decisions. I still human and I make mistakes. But at least I am not making the same old mistakes.
Just when I thought that my life couldn’t get any better. My life changed completely. I no longer have to pretend to be something or someone I am not. For 40 years I have been an imposter, caught up in my own imaginary world. In the last 2 years I met someone I haven’t spoken to in a very long time. I’ve missed him and thought he was dead. We clicked. It was like de ja vu. I felt a familiarity. I met myself. It has been an amazing journey and I am grateful to know that I am still alive. It’s been way to long. Since finding my long lost self I have experienced a freedom like nothing I can easily describe. All I can say is…
I am free. Free to be me.
I am truly grateful.
Words cannot express how thankful I am for the Devine Intervention that led me to recovery. For all the love, support and encouragement that I have received on my journey so far. I am clear on the fact that the Fellowship of Men and Women in Narcotics Anonymous and everyone here have helped save my life. I am also clear that had I not made the decision to participate in my own recovery none of the things I’ve accomplished would have happened nor would I be able to keep it.
I am by no way lucky. I have been blessed and I will continue to do the work necessary to maintain my freedom from active addiction because I know all to we’ll that everything gained can go up in smoke if I choose to forget where I came from.
I have a purpose today. My life has meaning. I am Happy, Joyous and Free as a direct result of recovery. I look forward to sharing more of my journey into this wonderful, new way of life.
Thank you all for the love and support that you have given me. I know that I can only keep it, if I give it away.
When I first came into recovery. I wanted everything to happen now. I wanted all my problems to disappear and my life to suddenly become magically delicious. I was looking for a speedy response, a quick fix, the magic elixir.
I found out the hard way that nothing good ever comes from the easy way. In fact I already knew that. After all I’ve taken the easy way out all my life and look where it got me. I was never that guy who did anything that was hard. I would search for loopholes in just about everything I have ever done.
I realize today that recovery is a life long process. That I am only going to get out of it what I put into it. I cannot go about my recovery doing the same thing and expecting different results. That’s not to say I haven’t tried, because I have. I have to be on constant guard against that thinking pattern, it’s very easy to slip back into my old way of thinking but can be difficult sometimes to get out of it. If I am not vigilant I can get myself into a situation that I may not come out of clean, free or God knows what else could happen.
I refuse to find out. I refuse to allow my old lifestyle to gain a foothold again. I love my new life too much today. I look forward to seeing where else my recovery can take me. I have accomplished so much already and I know that through God’s grace I can only continue to rise. I am learning how to slow down and not want everything to be happen overnight. I am not in a race. I am grateful for where I am at because I am right where I need to be. I want my recovery to last for the rest of my life and not fizzle or fade like a fad. I will take my time, savor the experiences, freedom, friends and everything else in between. My Journey has just begun and I will take it one day at a time.
This is my life. It’s life or death.
Today I choose to live.
As I slowly approach a half century
(just about 3 months from now) I realized that I need to start thinking more about getting fit, eating right and staying healthy.
I will be the first to admit that I know nothing about living a healthy lifestyle. You are looking at a man that ate fast food 5 out of 7 days a week. Eats lots of snacks. I love cookies, cakes, chips and soda. I’ve smoked cigarettes the majority of my life and used and abused drugs for just as long.
Getting clean was the first step. Now as I approach 2 years clean in October 26th. It’s time to start the next phase. I remember saying that I would quit smoking when I reached 1 year clean. Procrastination kicked in and I pushed the date further and further back. Now a year later I am willing to give it another shot. I know that I must quit and that it is not easy. But I believe that I can do it. If I can stop using. I can do anything.
So I’ve set my quit date to be the same as my clean date.
I have joined a gym about a month ago and I have been able to maintain a steady attendance of 3 days a week. I am proud of my commitment and I have lost 4 lbs so far. I feel better every time I go and I actually look forward to seeing myself without a beer belly and looking lean and cut. It’s a great energy booster and also helps with my self esteem.
Lastly eating healthy. I have stopped eating McDonald’s and other fast foods. I cut back on my snacking. The cookies will take a little weening off. Lol. I have stopped drinking sodas and other sugary drinks and instead went and purchased a NutriBullet. I have been juicing for the last 2 weeks. I must admit. I like it. It tastes great and it’s healthy. I can’t beat that combination.
I have finally made moves toward this goal instead of the usual talking about it and not doing it. Procrastination has been one of my biggest defects and it feels good to put my words into action. I continue to pray for consistency and I have the willingness to do just that.
I will continue to post my progress or the lack of in future posts.
I have been searching for love and validation from anyone that would give it to me for like the last year. I have been allowing people to treat me as a after thought, an option and even a late night call. Searching to fill a void. A void that no one can fill but me. Being a people pleaser and a yes man. Dumbing myself down just to be around someone. That’s no different than doing shit just to fit in when I was using drugs. My spiritual condition has been stagnant because I refuse to lean on my Higher Power to fill the void. I allow my disease to tell me the loneliness and emptiness will never go away and in turn allow that to dictate my actions. I feel like I am still acting out on old behaviors. I am still suffering in silence because I refuse to share with anyone how I feel. My ego and image are still in play and I am slowly killing myself. The pain that I am causing myself is unnecessary and can easily be eradicated. But I am struggling with exposing my weaknesses because I worry too damn much about how people will look at me, and who will use it against me. It’s sad but it’s true and I know it is because I witness people do it all the time.
These behaviors are causing me grief and I struggle with letting go. I don’t know how to let go. I am holding onto resentments and anger is eating away at my soul. Its easy for people to tell you shit like let go and let God. I don’t want to hear that shit. I want to hear how to let go and let God. I want to know How the fuck do I do it. Quoting the Basic Text and Slogans when I am in pain does nothing to help me when I am in the middle of a war that is going on inside my head. I feel like I am just spinning my wheels but I am not gaining any traction. I am far from stupid and I know what needs to be done. I’ve been given the answer over and over again. It’s time to make use of the suggestions and slow down. Stop moving so damn fast and then wondering how the hell did I get here again. Focus on what needs to be done and that’s work on myself and expose those negative demons that are trying to ruin my Happiness. Stop rushing into things and keep it simple. Stop over complicating my life. In reality I am not that lonely I have plenty of people who are here for me. I have plenty of people I can talk to and go to in the clutch. I need to start utilizing my network.
I need to remember that when my disease starts to talk to me and make me feel like less than the true great king that I am.
I am nobody’s #2. Option or after
That’s all bullshit and tell my disease to kick rocks.
I can remember for the longest time giving up, because I felt like things weren’t happening fast enough. I want what I want. And I want it now. Never taking the time to put in any real work, commitment or dedication to anything but always expecting to receive maximum results. When things didn’t happen to my satisfaction. I quit. I moved on to the next thing. That was my life. It didn’t matter what it was. Relationships, jobs, school, exercise whatever. When I didn’t get what I felt I should’ve I walked away from it.
So as you can imagine I never finished a lot of things that I started. I placed unrealistic expectations on every thing and every one I came in contact with and always felt short changed as a result.
When I first got clean, I did the same thing. I started to feel like I should be further along than I was and I stopped doing the things that were keeping me clean. I felt like recovery wasn’t working. Little did I know then that It was working but I wasn’t. I wasn’t taking the suggestions or doing anything to maintain my recovery other than making meetings. Needless to say I quit and I relapsed.
Sometimes I find myself still wanting to walk away from my recovery today. I feel like I am not changing and that it’s a waist of time. I mostly feel this way when something that I want doesn’t happen. When I place an unrealistic expectation on something or someone. When I take the time to evaluate the situation I can usually see where I went wrong. What part I played in the situation that is causing me to want to go run and hide. Most of the time it’s because I chose to ignore all the signs. I chose to go with self will and not my gut. I chose to continue when everything and everyone around me is screaming for me to stop. I am usually the cause of my own pain and discomfort.
I have come to a point in my life where I am tired of the pain. I am tired of causing myself unnecessary heartaches and headaches. I am tired of trying to control and manipulate situations to satisfy my self will. I’ve come to the point when enough is enough. I realize that it’s not that I will never get the things I want. It’s just that I have to learn how to give myself time to really figure out what it is that I really want. Stop running on what my mind thinks it wants and to Listen to my heart. God’s will for me will reveal itself in time. If I allow myself a second to relax and take a breath.
Just for today. I will let go and listen for the guidance of my Higher Power.