Asking for help is one of the hardest things for me to do sometimes. I’m not sure what’s harder asking for help or being able to receive the help once it’s asked for.
Being that I have always relied on my own devices in the past I find it difficult at times today to ask for help. In the past it was seen as a weakness and although I know that just about everything that I believed in the past was a lie. I still struggle in certain areas. Relying on my own devices usually had a negative impact in one way or another.
In the words of a friend of mine. How’s that working out for you.
Well to be totally honest. It still has a negative impact. Not asking for help leads me to doing it my way and most of the time my way doesn’t work. And asking for help but still wanting to control how I am helped doesn’t work either. My way is what got me here in the first place. But I still have those moments when I get the bright idea that I know better.
I don’t know jack.
Just for today. I will practice releasing myself from those fears that are holding me back and keeping me from asking for and receiving the help that I need.
Peace and Blessings
When I first read this quote. I didn’t quite agree with it. I figured that I am only just beginning to understand myself and felt it didn’t apply to me. But after reading it over and over. Literally 20 or more times did I begin to grasp a meaning of my own.
So I broke it down.
I understood myself only after I destroyed myself.
For years I was he’ll bent on destroying myself. I seemed to have a death wish and was slowly carrying it out. I lived a life that was not my own. I didn’t have the chance to find out who I was because I always wanted to be someone else. I created, orchestrated, role played and fronted my way through everyday life. I created a monster and payed a heavy price of losing my true self in the process. I destroyed relationships with my family and everyone and everything I came in contact with. I never understood why I did the things that I did. I just did them to be like everyone else. I had no identity of my own so I followed the path of least resistance along with the others.
It wasn’t until years later that I began to realize that the life I was living was not for me. It took countless headaches and heartaches, prisons and institutions for me to finally start to understand that I wasn’t meant to live this way. I began to want something more for myself. Something that I had deep down inside of me wanted to be set free. It was a Devine Intervention. It had to be. Because left up to me I would have continued to destroy myself until the bitter end. At that point I began to understand that I was worth so much more.
Only in the process of fixing myself did I know who I really was.
This last part speaks of my recovery process. Coming into recovery through the guidance of my Higher Power. Learning how to put my ego and my pride in my back pocket and listen, take suggestions and do some things differently. Relearning how to be honest with others but more importantly learning how to be honest with myself. Learning how to just get through the day without using. Talking about my feelings and not stuffing them until they overflow and I explode. Learning how to be a friend and to have compassion and empathy. Not being afraid to cry and learning how to identify and work through feelings.
In my process uncovering and exposing the lies that I have lived with and believed all my life. Seeing myself for the first time and realizing that I am a nice person. I am intelligent, gifted, caring, vulnerable, worthy, useful, helpful and trustworthy. Learning that I am going to make mistakes and it’s ok. That I don’t have to be perfect. Learning how to say no and not worry about hurting someone’s feelings. That I don’t have to be a people pleaser so I can fit in or belong. I am who I am. Like it or leave it.
Today I have choices. I am responsible, I am getting my voice, I am no longer silent and invisible. I have a purpose. Thanks to this process of fixing myself I am getting to know the real me.
And I am amazing.
Peace and Blessings
I wish I could say that I changed my thinking and now I am cured. Ha! That would be like that dude from TV who was an addict for 10 years and now he’s not.
What I can say is I practice changing the way I think and I have noticed a tremendous change in the way I live. The way I choose to go about my days. The way I respond to people and the way they respond to me. I can also say that my life has gotten a whole lot better but I still have those days. You know the days when I get the fuck it’s. The days when I just don’t want to do the right thing. My thinking is upside down and will always be subject to cause chaos.. If I allow myself to dwell on those negative thoughts.
It’s all about making decisions. Trying to make the right decisions. Not using my thinking as an excuse to do wrong but rather taking responsibility to do right. I have plenty of days when my thoughts run wild and fear sets in and I begin to feel awkward, alone and doubtful. The difference is today I am learning that at any given moment. I can turn those thoughts around.
I have a choice. I exercise my option to choose to do things differently. I choose not to be that same person I was yesterday. I choose to explore and try a new way. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to do so. My old thinking almost cost me my life. My new thinking afforded me the opportunity for a better life.
Peace and Blessings
I remember when I first came into recovery. A old-timer said to me keep a slogan in your pocket. When you start to feel the urges come upon you. Pull it out and read it. I remember thinking this dude is crazy. What good is that going to be when I feel like using. I of course didn’t take that suggestion at the time. Because after all I know better right.
It took me a while to understand the importance of the slogans and just how helpful they really are. The slogans are the little gems in my recovery jewelry box. They are subliminal messages with a powerful punch. They are useful reminders that work wonders when I am unable to reach out or read some literature. The slogans for me are quick fixes to help me get back on track when my thinking goes south.
I am not saying that all I need are slogans either. So don’t put words in my mouth or misconstrued what I am saying. Addicts tend to hear what we want to. So I figured I would clear that up real quick. What I am saying is. They help me to stay grounded when things around me are a bit chaotic. I have some of them memorized and quote them to myself. It’s like my music to calm the savage beast.
I understand today what that old-timer was saying. I practice keeping slogans in my pocket and in turn they help me keep my money in my pocket and illegal substances out. I strongly recommend it.
Peace and Blessings