When I first heard that statement. I didn’t believe it. I thought, stop using, lose the desire, find a new way to live.. Get outta here.
It seemed like an impossible dream. A fantasy even more bizarre than the one I was already living. I couldn’t see past my present situation and therefore brushed it off with a minimum of concern. After all.. I could never stop using. I’ve used all my life. I was so closed minded to the fact that there was a better life waiting for me. I was so broken, my thoughts were so fractured and my spirit was so empty that I had given up all hope.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I thank God for that last day. The utter desperation that finally brought me to my knees. The pain that was so unbearable that I was forced to take a good look at myself. And the Devine Intervention that allowed me to finally understand and accept that I needed help. It was not of my own power that I found recovery. It was not of my own belief system that I stayed. But I am ever so grateful that I did.
I have been afforded the opportunity to learn to forgive myself and others. To learn to be patient and not live ahead of myself but to practice staying in the moment. That has proven to be so helpful in my recovery process. I am thankful that my thoughts are no longer centered around the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. The obsession and compulsion have been arrested and I am beginning to think a little clearer.
I am blessed to have made so many new friends who are on this wonderful journey with me. To have people in my life who actually care about me is both exciting and scary at the same time. It’s a better ride than any roller coaster I have ever been on. To finally be able to be who I truly am. The kind hearted, caring, loving person. Not having to put up the walls and front like the tough non caring ass hole.
Now that the fog of the drugs have been lifted. To be able to feel actual feelings and not just anger, pity and loneliness. But to feel happiness, joy, freedom, fear, Love, compassion and empathy. Is priceless and I would not trade it for nothing. Doing so many things that seemed so far away before. Living life and not just existing or feeling like I’m just taking up space. To no longer feel useless, worthless, faceless and nameless.
Yes. I am grateful to have found a new way to live. I truly appreciate life today. I no longer take it for granted. I enjoy every minute of every hour. Taking it all in as if for the very first time.
Life is wonderful.