If you had asked me when I first started blogging back in 2011. If I thought that I could stay clean. The answer would have been a simple NO. I just wanted the pain to go away. I just wanted to be able to function normally but I wasn’t ready to stop using. I was still in denial about the connection between my using and all the pain, misery and suffering I was experiencing.
Today if you ask me that same question the answer will be a resounding YES. Without a doubt. I have come a long way since my first time coming into recovery. My mindset, my attitude and behaviors are much different today and I am so grateful.
I couldn’t stay clean 2 months, 2 days or 2 hours. I sure as he’ll didn’t see myself staying clean for 2 years but here I am with 22 months and 18 days clean. 43 days away from 2 years clean. Still crazy as he’ll but clean. I am getting better and I am not as bad as I once was. I know that change takes time and constant practice. I try not to beat myself up as much and as long as I stay I will learn to love myself even more and not be so critical of my every move, mistake and even every accomplishment.
I am right where I am. No better or worse off than I am supposed to be. I am proud of myself for making the decision to get clean and even more proud that I stayed. I know that it is devine intervention that brought me to recovery and that same devine intervention keeps me here. I still can’t believe it sometimes.
They said it gets greater later. I tell you this. It’s pretty damn great right now. Recovery is possible. I’m a believer.