I created a life of us together in my mind. Who knew I would actually have feelings and then something went wrong. I went wrong.
I have been on an emotional roller coaster the last couple of weeks. One minute I’m up and feeling alive and on top of the world. The next I am feeling sad, angry and confused. I have to admit that I am grateful for the process of recovery because I have learned to use the many different tools I have to get through them. But sometimes I don’t use them and stuff the feelings and wind up not feeling good about myself. Then the negative self talk starts to kick in.
Not using drugs to cover up my feelings is new and unchartered territory for me. Even more new and unchartered territory is talking to someone about my feelings. Seeking advice and suggestions and trying to apply them to my life. I really want to say to them what do you know. But I know that they have my best interest in mind. Or do they? Confusion
I have to admit even with all the suggestions and support. I still want what I want. I’m not sure what the end result will be but I am struggling with letting go. I don’t want to let go. That just causes more pain. Pain can definitely be a motivator. Confusion
As the battle rages on in my head. I keep getting this feeling that I shouldn’t pursue. That this is wrong, that I need time to find myself first. But I seem to be addicted to the personality and the intelligence, to how I feel in the moment and the fantasy of how it will be down the road. This time the fantasy is all good. Which by the way is very unusual, for my thoughts usually end in disaster. But one thing for sure. I’ve been here before and it never works out how it plays out in my head.
Confusion is confusing. I don’t like it. It’s ruining my thoughts of happiness. WTF.
I need to get out of my head.
Peace and Blessings