I am beginning to notice that I have a pattern. I have a habit of creating problems where there are none. I notice that when ever I begin to feel good about someone I begin the process of sabotaging the relationship. I have very little experience in healthy relationships with people. Not only the intimate relationship but relationships in general.
I’m that guy that can see you, like you, get with you, argue with you and then break up with you.
All in my mind in15 mins.
I know that low self esteem and low self worth play a major part in this. My feelings of unworthiness cause me to feel like I am not good enough and I begin to look for instances where I can support this theory. Financial situations usually are my main focus but I can find the bad in any situation and flip it to work as a justification or rationalization so I can disqualify myself.
The things that run through my head (mostly imaginary) wreak havoc and I begin to feel an urge to act out negatively. I bring these feelings on myself by first moving too fast thinking that I want something that in reality I am not equipped to handle yet. Also by fantasizing about how things should be and not verbalizing what it is I am looking for because I really don’t know. And lastly by not communicating properly what I am feeling and shutting down. I used to blame everyone else, but the truth is.
It’s me. It’s definitely me.
Then I feel disappointed from expectations that are unrealistic and unspoken. I then have resentful feelings and anger. All this plays out in my mind because I never took the time to first figure out what I want and then express these things with the other party. Always wanting to be loved and settling for whatever the next person says. Being a people pleaser of sorts but pleasing no one in the end.
In the end it’s just me, alone with my hurt and pain. Alone because once again I allowed my voice to remain silent. And the Insanity in my head to take precedence. I am beginning to think that I need to just fall back, let the chips fall where they may. Stick and move. After all then there’s no feelings involved.
That I know how to do.
Peace and Blessings