Ever since I can remember I have been undecided as to what I want. As a child I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. As a teenager. I didn’t like myself and I wanted to be like everyone else. I had no idea who I truly was and didn’t allow myself my own process. I created false identities, images and phoney egos to fit in. I became lost in a fantasy world.
That fantasy lasted the majority of my life and still to this day I struggle with those identities. I created many different masks to mask my true identity. I didn’t like me so I know you wouldn’t like me. That was my thinking. Low self esteem and self worth plagued me from a early age and in my active addiction became non existent. I became a people pleaser and became who ever I thought you would like me to be.
I am searching for the real me. I have been able to put to rest some of those masks. But in all honesty I had found a sense of security in them. Without them I feel vulnerable and exposed. It is a very uncomfortable feeling and as a result I find myself isolating from the fear. Always quick to run and resort back to where I am most comfortable.
I have come to realize lately that now that I am clean. I have resentments about my past and all the wasted time. So I am trying to compensate by wanting things I see others have. The biggest thing for me is a relationship. I say that I am ready to settle down. That it’s time and I am not getting any younger. All that is true but I am forgetting one major factor. I don’t know how to be in a healthy relationship. Most of my past relationships were toxic and as a result ended badly. If they weren’t in the beginning they ended up that way in the end.
I have to learn how to have a healthy relationship with myself before I can have one with anyone else. I am just beginning to have a relationship with a Higher Power and I seek guidance in both areas. Instant gratification has caused me so much pain in the past not to mention what I have done to others as a result of my selfishness.
I don’t know what I want but I do know what I don’t want. I don’t want to be hurt or to hurt anyone else because of my indecisiveness. There’s a saying that goes
“When you don’t know what to do, Do Nothing ”
I’m not sure doing nothing is the answer but I will practice being still, searching for answers and getting to know me.
Peace and Blessings