Ever since I can remember I have been undecided as to what I want. As a child I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. As a teenager. I didn’t like myself and I wanted to be like everyone else. I had no idea who I truly was and didn’t allow myself my own process. I created false identities, images and phoney egos to fit in. I became lost in a fantasy world.
That fantasy lasted the majority of my life and still to this day I struggle with those identities. I created many different masks to mask my true identity. I didn’t like me so I know you wouldn’t like me. That was my thinking. Low self esteem and self worth plagued me from a early age and in my active addiction became non existent. I became a people pleaser and became who ever I thought you would like me to be.
I am searching for the real me. I have been able to put to rest some of those masks. But in all honesty I had found a sense of security in them. Without them I feel vulnerable and exposed. It is a very uncomfortable feeling and as a result I find myself isolating from the fear. Always quick to run and resort back to where I am most comfortable.
I have come to realize lately that now that I am clean. I have resentments about my past and all the wasted time. So I am trying to compensate by wanting things I see others have. The biggest thing for me is a relationship. I say that I am ready to settle down. That it’s time and I am not getting any younger. All that is true but I am forgetting one major factor. I don’t know how to be in a healthy relationship. Most of my past relationships were toxic and as a result ended badly. If they weren’t in the beginning they ended up that way in the end.
I have to learn how to have a healthy relationship with myself before I can have one with anyone else. I am just beginning to have a relationship with a Higher Power and I seek guidance in both areas. Instant gratification has caused me so much pain in the past not to mention what I have done to others as a result of my selfishness.
I don’t know what I want but I do know what I don’t want. I don’t want to be hurt or to hurt anyone else because of my indecisiveness. There’s a saying that goes
“When you don’t know what to do, Do Nothing ”
I’m not sure doing nothing is the answer but I will practice being still, searching for answers and getting to know me.
Peace and Blessings
I am grateful for the person I am becoming. I have been blessed to have lived 2 lives in 1 lifetime.
I came from the depths of desperation and despair. With the help of my Higher Power, a family of people who are just like me and the determination to change. I have been blessed to stay clean for 22 months today. One day at a time.
Progress not perfection.
This is the longest I have ever went without using some mind or mood altering substance. I have gained some awesome friends and am learning more about myself in this short period of time than I have known for the past 40 years.
I get inspiration from many people and I do not sit here and claim total responsibility for this miraculous change. I do know that I could not have done this without the help and support of my network.
But I have to say that I also get inspiration from myself. When I compare who I am today with who I was 2 years ago. I can’t help but pat myself on the back. For many years I thought this was just a dream. That I would never stop using and that I would die using.
I could not have been more wrong.
Recovery is possible.
Peace and Blessings
It has been almost 2 weeks since my last post. Life shows up and it becomes necessary to take care of the responsibilities at hand. I am grateful that people notice and care enough to inquire. Thank you that really means a lot to me. You made my day.
I remember in my active addiction no one cared if I wasn’t around. If they didn’t see me it was a relief. I know that I caused it to be that way. I accept my part in the damage and mistrust that resulted from my addiction. I know that it can take a day or a life time for forgiveness from others. I accept that as well. I am more concerned with forgiving myself right now. All else will eventually fall into place.
Right now I am working on me. Changing the old reckless attitudes and behaviors that were associated with my active addiction. I have accepted the truth. The fact that my life was in shambles, unmanageable and down right out of control. But that was then. Today I am a different person. I am actively participating in my recovery and make changes is a major part of learning to live life without the use of drugs.
No one said it was going to be easy. But no one said that it can’t be done either.
I know for a fact that it can be done because I am doing it. It has been a journey full of ups and downs. Thinking that life is always going to be easy and good is a expectation that will set me up for certain failure. Accepting the truth that life will show up allows me the opportunity to deal with it, learn from it and grow.
Change is about growing. Putting on my Big Boy pants and taking responsibility. Not running from it and thinking it will go away. Recovery has afforded me many opportunities but the biggest and most important one for me is the opportunity to change.
For that I am truly grateful.
Peace and Blessings