The harsh reality about my addiction is that I was unable to love anything or anyone but the drugs. I didn’t even have love for myself. I became incapable of feeling for the next person. There was no empathy, no sorrow, no compassion. There was only the undeniable urges to find the ways and means to get and use. To continue to get and use more.
By any means necessary.
Everything else was secondary.
While caught up in the grips of my addiction. I didn’t realize this. I didn’t see the damage that I was causing everyone around me. The hurt in their eyes. The pain in their hearts. Addiction is a self centered disease. It will have you believe that nothing else matters. It will make you do things that you would never in a million years think of doing. It will have you believe that nothing is wrong with you. It’s everyone else that has a problem.
Cunning, Baffling and Insidious. My addiction had me so confused that I believed death would have been better than living. It made me believe that I was worthless, useless and that no one gave a damn if I lived or died. I turned me against anyone and everyone who cared and tried to help.
I believed the lies and almost paid for it with my life. I will be forever grateful to the recovery process. For I am learning that all the things I thought were true.
We’re ALL lies.
Peace and Blessings
I remember saying.
I am not addicted.
I don’t have a problem.
I can stop any time I want to.
Then when I realized that I was addicted, that I did have a problem and I couldn’t stop using. I still had excuses. I’m not as bad as what’s his name. I will get help when the summers over, next week. Blah, blah, blah.
I was always waiting for the right time. For the right situation or circumstances. For someone to come and save me. For some miracle to happen to make me stop. Procrastination was my middle name. Backed by fear It was never the right time to do the right thing for the right reasons. So the longer I continued to put it off the longer I continued to suffer.
Fear still plays a part in my life in recovery. I still suffer from and struggle with procrastination. I know certain areas that I want to change and continue to put it off. I say I will work on it but I put forth minimal effort if any effort at all. Talk the talk but do not take the steps towards it.
So I expose it here and I expose it in meetings and with my network. The reason being it helps give me that extra push. I let others know so they can help me. Because if no one knows who I am and what my problem is then how can I get the help that I need.
Nobody can do it for me. I have to do it for myself. But I also realize that I need help. The wait is over and the time is now. I will reach out and be open to receive the help that I need.
Peace and Blessings