I remember when I was a child watching cartoons. The cartoon character would have on his shoulders an angel on one side and a devil on the other. The angel would be telling him to do the right thing. And the devil of course would be saying the opposite. I always thought that was so funny. Little did I know then that I would grow up to experience the exact same thing.
It started early on for me. I can remember being placed in situations where I had to make a choice. Sometimes I would choose wisely and make decisions based on the principals taught to me by my parents. Other times I based my decision on wanting to be liked and accepted. Often that choice was the wrong one but I didn’t want to be labeled or seen as an outcast or a sucker. Wanting to be a part of caused me to make decisions that were risky and unhealthy but eventually became the normal for me and as a result I began on the road to self destruction.
In my active addiction the good and bad voices continued. The good voice wasn’t as strong or as loud anymore and so the bad voice usually won. I had traded my morals, principles and self respect for isolation, loneliness and degradation. I made conscious decisions to do wrong all day long. I made poor choices and had misguided intentions. Placing unrealistic expectations on people who didn’t give a damn about me. I bent over backwards to be around people that had no idea what loyalty was and I couldn’t see it until it was too late.
In the here and now I still struggle with the voices. I am still faced with making decisions and having the choice of doing right or doing wrong. Recovery promises freedom from active addiction. The promise of hope. I have tools to help me learn how to deal with life as it continues to show up. I have the willingness to live this new way of life. I accept the fact that I will always be faced with making decisions and I am grateful that for the most part I am making healthy decisions today.
That doesn’t mean that all of a sudden I am cured. Never that. I still at times want to say the hell with this. I still want to do what’s easy and comfortable although it may be wrong. I still have a battle going on between good and bad not on my shoulders but in my head. It’s a never ending battle. The difference is that I know the consequences and I am not willing to pay that price today.
So let that battle rage on. I am equipped with armor to defend myself and will do what ever it takes to remain victorious.
Peace and Blessings