I remember when I was a child watching cartoons. The cartoon character would have on his shoulders an angel on one side and a devil on the other. The angel would be telling him to do the right thing. And the devil of course would be saying the opposite. I always thought that was so funny. Little did I know then that I would grow up to experience the exact same thing.

It started early on for me. I can remember being placed in situations where I had to make a choice. Sometimes I would choose wisely and make decisions based on the principals taught to me by my parents. Other times I based my decision on wanting to be liked and accepted. Often that choice was the wrong one but I didn’t want to be labeled or seen as an outcast or a  sucker. Wanting to be a part of caused me to make decisions that were risky and unhealthy but eventually became the normal for me and as a result I began on the road to self destruction.

In my active addiction the good and bad voices continued. The good voice wasn’t as strong or as loud anymore and so the bad voice usually won. I had traded my morals, principles and self respect for isolation, loneliness and degradation. I made conscious decisions to do wrong all day long. I made poor choices and had misguided intentions. Placing unrealistic expectations on people who didn’t give a damn about me. I bent over backwards to be around people that had no idea what loyalty was and I couldn’t see it until it was too late.

In the here and now I still struggle with the voices. I am still faced with making decisions and having the choice of doing right or doing wrong. Recovery promises freedom from active addiction. The promise of hope. I have tools to help me learn how to deal with life as it continues to show up. I have the willingness to live this new way of life. I accept the fact that I will always be faced with making decisions and I am grateful that for the most part I am making healthy decisions today.

That doesn’t mean that all of a sudden I am cured. Never that. I still at times want to say the hell with this. I still want to do what’s easy and comfortable although it may be wrong. I still have a battle going on between good and bad not on my shoulders but in my head. It’s a never ending battle. The difference is that I know the consequences and I am not willing to pay that price today.

So let that battle rage on. I am equipped with armor to defend myself and will do what ever it takes to remain victorious.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

11 thoughts on “THE STRUGGLE IS REAL

    • Thank you Deanna for sharing your experience here on my blog. I appreciate your taking the time. Please feel free to keep coming back and comment at will. I Always look forward to communicating with my readers. Peace and Blessings.


  1. My struggle started with a little a girl , who’s first heart ache came from her mother . The contradiction and confusing about love and what it was suppose to be , you say you do be your actions don’t reflect it. As time went on and this continued , the little girl developed a negative sense of herself feeling like she wasn’t worthy something was wrong with her that her mother didnt live her ( perception) . As she continues to live life everyone she came in contact with that said they loved or cared abour. Their actions were opposite .. they were beating , verbally , emotionally or mentally abusing her . she had to develop a defense mechanism to protect her but the reality was she was pushing people away so feared of the very thing she longed for love and belonging . She would pick people apart to disqualfy them so she could reject them before they could reject her.. God the loving and caring entity has brought her to a place where there are people just like her, who found a way out her dilemma, through a step process that has brought her to her greatest source of strength , who gives her the love and belonging that’s with in her and has been all along . I don’t have to seek for that something that will make everything alrite ( who’s an addict) . From struggle to strength, little girl grows up ….Love and respect

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Now that I’ve done some growing from what I’ve been learning in this recovery process I need to use that and continue growing. My 12-Step Program/Fellowship is one of Anonymity, Anonomous for me means that I am free to do the things that make me okay and to be okay with me.
    How much of my time have I spent worrying about what other people
    think of me? Too much is the short answer. Before recovery, I had no boundaries, no sense
    of self, and how I felt about myself and my life was largely determined by whether or not you approved. With no internal awareness, other people’s likes and dislikes, moods and
    opinions were the compass I used to direct my emotional life. It was totally exhausting.
    “Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror.” One of the most precious gifts I have been given in this process is the freedom and encouragement to discover and validate my feelings. And this process began when I was taught to take the focus off of others
    and to look within for my own truth. At first this was an unfamiliar and very uncomfortable but it was the only path to the security, confidence and peace I have always craved.
    Today I know that my feelings are valid, and I’ve come to trust and rely on them. I know that other people have their own thoughts and opinions and know they are valid for them as well. But today there is a boundary between the two, and my sense of self is no longer
    linked to other people’s approval. Today I enjoy the freedom and empowerment that comes from having and respecting myself.
    I’m hoping I’m on the same page here with you Eric, I truly do. This to me is part of living life on life’s terms. Looking at “what is” and dealing with whatever happens is living life on life’s terms….Bless _/l\_


  3. May the good voice prevail – tonight in the rooms we had an NA member speak to us. He shared his story and I gave thanks that this programme works for so many. Now I truly have accepted my HP into my life I will contnue to pray ( with sincerity) that all addicts in recovery continue to live a life free from active addiction but especially those that have touched my life like yourself. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Eric I have never lived with or dealt with your struggle, but I think of you often and am always glad to read about your strength of mind and will! You inspire me with every read. Stay strong my brother! Danny

    Liked by 2 people

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