NO MORE REGRETS

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I used to be so eager to have something that I couldn’t wait to get it. I remember how my impatience would get the best of me and I would give up.

Walking away from the things that I wanted most left me with plenty of regrets. Always kicking myself after the fact. Wishing I would have stayed and stuck it out. Always leaving 5 minutes before the miracle.

A lesson will repeat itself until it is learned.

I am in such a situation right now. I feel happy in it but impatience is popping it’s ugly head up once again. I am hearing all the lies that I was led to believe throughout the years play out in my head. The same lies that brought about the same regrets time and time again.

This time the lesson has been learned and understood. I will take my time, get to know you. Waiting is hard. But I truly believe that it will be well worth it. I hope I am right.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

STAYING PRESENT

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It’s a fact that I can’t change the past. What’s done is done. Staying stuck, reliving old and painful situations leaves me bitter and resentful. It keeps me from enjoying the life that is happening in the here and now. It will ruin my chances of having a happy future.

For way too long I have allowed myself to remain frozen in time. A time that was fueled by drugs, anger, resentments, pain, misery and suffering. I wasn’t happy and I made everyone around me unhappy too. The bitterness that I displayed was a direct result of my not being able to let go.

I was angry at the world.  I was miserable and wanted you to be miserable to. I held everyone around me responsible for my failure. I pointed the finger at anyone that hurt or disappointed me and blamed everyone else for the way my life turned out. I lived in self pity for years and kept reliving my past as if it were happening at that very moment. It played over and over again in my head. A non stop looping video of hurts, failures and disappointments.

Living like that stopped me from enjoying life. I missed out on countless opportunities.  Life just passed me by.

Now it’s like waking up from a coma only to discover that 40 years has gone by. No one remembers me because I wasn’t present in the moment. I was too busy living in the past. I wasn’t a active participant in anything that mattered. Time kept moving on and I didn’t.

The hardest thing I ever had to do was learning to let it go. Holding on for so long seemed like the right thing to do at the time but I have learned that no one suffers from it but me. I must let go so I can be free from the past. Enjoy the present  and look forward to the future.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.. DO NOTHING??

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Ever since I can remember I have been undecided as to what I want. As a child I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. As a teenager. I didn’t like myself and I wanted to be like everyone else. I had no idea who I truly was and didn’t allow myself my own process. I created false identities, images and phoney egos to fit in. I became lost in a fantasy world.

That fantasy lasted the majority of my life and still to this day I struggle with those identities. I created many different masks to mask my true identity. I didn’t  like me so I know you wouldn’t  like me. That was my thinking. Low self esteem and self worth plagued me from a early age and in my active addiction became non existent. I became a people pleaser and became who ever I thought you would like me to be.

I am searching for the real me. I have been able to put to rest some of those masks. But in all honesty I had found a sense of security in them. Without them I feel vulnerable and exposed. It is a very uncomfortable feeling and as a result I find myself isolating from the fear. Always quick to run and resort back to where I am most comfortable.

I have come to realize lately that now that I am clean. I have  resentments about my past and all the wasted time. So I am trying to compensate by wanting things I see others have. The biggest thing for me is a relationship. I say that I am ready to settle down. That it’s time and I am not getting any younger. All that is true but I am forgetting one major factor. I don’t know how to be in a healthy relationship. Most of my past relationships were toxic and as a result ended badly. If they weren’t in the beginning they ended up that way in the end.

I have to learn how to have a healthy relationship with myself before I can have one with anyone else. I am just beginning to have a relationship with a Higher Power and I seek guidance in both areas. Instant gratification has caused me so much pain in the past not to mention what I have done to others as a result of my selfishness.

I don’t know what I want but I do know what I don’t want. I don’t want to be hurt or to hurt anyone else because of my indecisiveness. There’s a saying that goes
“When you don’t know what to do, Do Nothing ”
I’m not sure doing nothing is the answer but I will practice being still, searching for answers and getting to know me.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

I GET INSPIRATION FROM WHO I AM TODAY

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I am grateful for the person I am becoming. I have been blessed to have lived 2 lives in 1 lifetime.

I came from the depths of desperation and despair. With the help of my Higher Power, a family of people who are just like me and the determination to change. I have been blessed to stay clean for 22 months today. One day at a time.

Progress not perfection.

This is the longest I have ever went without using some mind or mood altering substance. I have gained some awesome friends and am learning more about myself in this short period of time than I have known for the past 40 years.

I get inspiration from many people and I do not sit here and claim total responsibility for this miraculous change. I do know that I could not have done this without the help and support of my network.

But I have to say that I also get inspiration from myself. When I compare who I am today with who I was 2 years ago. I can’t help but pat myself on the back. For many years I thought this was just a dream. That I would never stop using and that I would die using.

I could not have been more wrong.
Recovery is possible.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

CHANGE IS GRADUAL BUT NECESSARY

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It has been almost 2 weeks since my last post. Life shows up and it becomes necessary to take care of the responsibilities at hand. I am grateful that people notice and care enough to inquire. Thank you that really means a lot to me. You made my day.

I remember in my active addiction no one cared if I wasn’t around. If they didn’t see me it was a relief. I know that I  caused it to be that way. I accept my part in the damage and mistrust that resulted from my addiction. I know that it can take a day or a life time for forgiveness from others. I accept that as well. I am more concerned with forgiving myself right now. All else will eventually fall into place.

Right now I am working on me. Changing the old reckless attitudes and behaviors that were associated with my active addiction. I have accepted the truth. The fact that my life was in shambles, unmanageable and down right out of control. But that was then. Today I am a different person. I am actively participating in my recovery and make changes is a major part of learning to live life without the use of drugs.

No one said it was going to be easy. But no one said that it can’t be done either.

I know for a fact that it can be done because I am doing it. It has been a journey full of ups and downs. Thinking that life is always going to be easy and good is a expectation that will set me up for certain failure. Accepting the truth that life will show up allows me the opportunity to deal with it, learn from it and grow.

Change is about growing. Putting on my Big Boy pants and taking responsibility. Not running from it and thinking it will go away. Recovery has afforded me many opportunities but the biggest and most important one for me is the opportunity to change.

For that I am truly grateful.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

JUST SAY NO. AND MEAN JUST THAT

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I remember how hard it was for me to say No and to mean it. I could never say it and that be the end of it.  I would say No and then turn right back around and give in to the temptation of whatever it was I was saying No to.

For instance.

I have said over a million times that I would just do one. But could not say No to the thoughts of getting more. No sooner than the thought occurred I would say I’m not going to do it and then before I knew it. I was doing it. I was out there searching for that next one.

I still struggle with denying myself things today. Telling myself No is difficult and I usually cave in without a fuss or fight. The obsession and compulsion to fill that empty space is causing me to still act out in ways that continue to have a negative impact. Always searching for that instant gratification. The high I get from it feels good at the moment. But there is always that low feeling I get afterwards. That crash and burn feeling. That damn I did it again feeling.

I am learning that It’s another form of using. I am not using drugs but I am using shopping, smoking, eating, women and speeding just to name a few. All of the above give me a certain rush. All of the above give me good feelings for a few seconds. I know before hand that I shouldn’t do it. I contemplate the end results, tell myself that I am not going to do it. Then do it anyway and wind up feeling angry and resentful afterwards.

I try to blame others if possible but when the smoke clears and I take a honest look at it. I have no one to blame but myself. I knew what it was before I got into it and proceeded to do it anyway. I am still practicing insane attitudes and  behaviors. I cannot continue to use the fact that I am new in recovery as a excuse.

Because when I know better. I am supposed to do better.
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So I will make a commitment to honestly practice saying No and sticking to it. Not for 2 seconds and then flip flop. But to make a conscious effort to stick to my guns. Get better at denying myself and having some discipline. I know that change doesn’t happen over night but over time. I also know that if nothing changes then nothing will change.

I will keep you updated on my progress.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

THE POWERFUL TRUTH

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The harsh reality about my addiction is that I was unable to love anything or anyone but the drugs. I didn’t even have love for myself. I became incapable of feeling for the next person. There was no empathy, no sorrow, no compassion. There was only the undeniable urges to find the ways and means to get and use. To continue to get and use more.

By any means necessary.
Everything else was secondary.

While caught up in the grips of my addiction. I didn’t realize this. I didn’t see the damage that I was causing everyone around me. The hurt in their eyes. The pain in their hearts. Addiction is a self centered disease. It will have you believe that nothing else matters. It will make you do things that you would never in a million years think of doing. It will have you believe that nothing is wrong with you. It’s everyone else that has a problem.

Cunning, Baffling and Insidious. My addiction had me so confused that I believed death would have been better than living. It made me believe that I was worthless, useless and that no one gave a damn if I lived or died. I turned me against anyone and everyone who cared and tried to help.

I believed the lies and almost paid for it with my life. I will be forever grateful to the recovery process. For I am learning that all the things I thought were true.

We’re ALL lies.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

THE TIME IS NOW. THE WAIT IS OVER

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I remember saying.
I am not addicted.
I don’t have a problem.
I can stop any time I want to.
Then when I realized that I was addicted, that I did have a problem and I couldn’t stop using. I still had excuses. I’m not as bad as what’s his name. I will get help when the summers over, next week. Blah, blah, blah.

I was always waiting for the right time. For the right situation or circumstances. For someone to come and save me. For some miracle to happen to make me stop. Procrastination was my middle name. Backed by fear It was never the right time to do the right thing for the right reasons. So the longer I continued to put it off the longer I continued to suffer.

Fear still plays a part in my life in recovery. I still suffer from and struggle with procrastination. I know certain areas that I want to change and continue to put it off. I say I will work on it but I put forth minimal effort if any effort at all. Talk the talk but do not take the steps towards it.

So I expose it here and I expose it in meetings and with my network. The reason being it helps give me that extra push. I let others know so they can help me. Because if no one knows who I am and what my problem is then how can I get the help that I need.

Nobody can do it for me. I have to do it for myself. But I also realize that I need help. The wait is over and the time is now. I will reach out and be open to receive the help that I need.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL

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I remember when I was a child watching cartoons. The cartoon character would have on his shoulders an angel on one side and a devil on the other. The angel would be telling him to do the right thing. And the devil of course would be saying the opposite. I always thought that was so funny. Little did I know then that I would grow up to experience the exact same thing.

It started early on for me. I can remember being placed in situations where I had to make a choice. Sometimes I would choose wisely and make decisions based on the principals taught to me by my parents. Other times I based my decision on wanting to be liked and accepted. Often that choice was the wrong one but I didn’t want to be labeled or seen as an outcast or a  sucker. Wanting to be a part of caused me to make decisions that were risky and unhealthy but eventually became the normal for me and as a result I began on the road to self destruction.

In my active addiction the good and bad voices continued. The good voice wasn’t as strong or as loud anymore and so the bad voice usually won. I had traded my morals, principles and self respect for isolation, loneliness and degradation. I made conscious decisions to do wrong all day long. I made poor choices and had misguided intentions. Placing unrealistic expectations on people who didn’t give a damn about me. I bent over backwards to be around people that had no idea what loyalty was and I couldn’t see it until it was too late.

In the here and now I still struggle with the voices. I am still faced with making decisions and having the choice of doing right or doing wrong. Recovery promises freedom from active addiction. The promise of hope. I have tools to help me learn how to deal with life as it continues to show up. I have the willingness to live this new way of life. I accept the fact that I will always be faced with making decisions and I am grateful that for the most part I am making healthy decisions today.

That doesn’t mean that all of a sudden I am cured. Never that. I still at times want to say the hell with this. I still want to do what’s easy and comfortable although it may be wrong. I still have a battle going on between good and bad not on my shoulders but in my head. It’s a never ending battle. The difference is that I know the consequences and I am not willing to pay that price today.

So let that battle rage on. I am equipped with armor to defend myself and will do what ever it takes to remain victorious.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

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Let’s get the word out that Recovery Is Possible

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease