For a long time, I dreamed of being someone else. I wanted what others had. I wanted to do what others did. I compared my life to those around me. I always thought every one had it better than me. That their lives was more exciting than mines. I was always comparing me to you. I never measured up in my mind.
I always felt that something was missing. I couldn’t understand why at the time. Why I always felt less than. Why I felt I didn’t belong. So I began to live a fantasy. I began creating false images of myself. I began to wear masks. I found out that I could be anyone I wanted to be. I was able to escape those feelings by becoming someone else.
For a while it felt good. I was able to fit in and act like others did. Do the things that others did. All those things that I was told not to do, I did. I was finally free. Or so I thought. I didn’t know then that there was a price to pay. I didn’t know that I was selling my soul, I was trading my original for a counterfeit. I was giving up on a life promised in return for a life of pain, misery and suffering.
I didn’t know then what I know now. I underestimated my ability to fit in, to make something of myself. I doubted my abilities and took a shortcut. I settled for the easy way out instead of putting in the work necessary to overcome my fears and insecurities. I was unable to see the beauty that was inside of me by comparing myself to others.
I am honestly practicing loving myself today. After years of telling myself that I’m not worthy and faking my true identity. It is hard work. I still fall short and compare myself to others and wish I was like them in one aspect or another. Like when I see others who can strike up a conversation with someone so easily.
Today I can realize that defect and work on changing it when it occurs. I am in a process that I have to make changes to behaviors that I have had for decades. I remind myself daily that it doesn’t happen over night. I will fall short at times and it’s OK.
I am right where I need to be.
Peace and Blessings