I had a great time fellowshipping with my people at The Waldorf Astoria this weekend. It was an awesome experience and one that I will never forget.
But to be honest it was a little lonely. It could have been so much more if I could only reach out to others. I am missing out on interactions with so many people from all over the world.
FEAR of rejection, of sounding or acting like a fool, or fear that people will use and abuse my trust again. Fear has paralyzed me for years. I have been stuck in my self made prison for so long that even now CLEAN. I am still suffering from the damage done. I still feel inadequate and struggle with low self esteem. I have a unhealthy fear of reaching out to people and making new friends because of past hurts. I have to leave that where it belongs and move forward.
I see people who can talk to strangers, strike up conversations with them at the drop of a dime and make new friends. I wish I was able to do that. I find it very difficult to talk to people I do not know and even more difficult to fully trust the ones that I do know.
The years of addiction, self harm and abuse have done some serious damage to me. I am starting to feel like an outsider and its a lonely place to be. I tell myself that I don’t like people but that’s a lie. I tell myself that I don’t need people that is also a lie.
I want to be able to interact with people in person the same way I can with people online. I will discuss this issue with my sponsor and work towards resolving those old issues that are holding me hostage.
Self centeredness is the core of my disease. I don’t want to be in this by myself. I want out of this prison.
I will work towards picking up the phone and using the numbers that I have. Dial em don’t file em right.
Peace and Blessings