I have to admit that although I know I have changed and I am very grateful for my life in recovery. I am struggling right now financially. It is starting to take a toll on my spirit.
Not too long ago, I spent every dime using and finding the ways and means to get more. My whole life I spent more money than I had chasing after a high I would never be able to duplicate.
I remember working all week only to get paid on Friday and be broke by Friday night. I was caught in a vicious cycle that repeated itself over and over for years. Having to go through the week broke wasn’t a good look. Sad as it was that was my life.
Today clean and living a program of recovery. I find myself back in that same boat, under different circumstances. I no longer give all my money to drug dealers and tricks. Today I give all my money to bills and bill collectors. Its the same gang just in a different setting.
They both don’t care that I spend all money. They both will live on if I decide not to spend my money with them. Unlike with the drug dealers, if I decide not to be responsible and pay my bills I am the only one who will suffer from the affects. I know this from experience because thats the reason I am suffering now.
My addiction would l Iike for me to think that I am wasting my time. That this will never end but only get worse. It would love to make me believe that I work for it and I should be able to spend it any damn way I please.
(my own thinking) is my worse enemy. It can be so convincing, cunning and insistent.
Sometimes I wonder What’s so different now. I am right back where I was, but without the drugs. My life is still a mess but without the drugs. I am still suffering, but without the drugs. So what’s so different.
The difference is.
I am clean. I am becoming responsible for my actions and being held accountable for my responsibilities. I am dealing with life on life’s terms not on my terms.The suffering that I am facing is not the same. There is no comparison. I have tools to deal with adversity and ways and means to get through anything obstacles that I face.
WITHOUT THE DRUGS.
I am experiencing what I have heard others in recovery say. Life is good and then it gets real. I am grateful for those who have walked this path before me. It lets me know that no matter what happens in my life. I can get through it and gain strength from it.
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
Peace and Blessings