There was a time in my life when I was ruled by the insanity of my active addiction.
Here’s one of those times.
No names have been changed to protect anyone.
As you all know I am a addict in recovery from addiction. I used and the got abused by the very drugs that I thought would ease my pain. One time in particular stands out in my mind today.
In 2009 I was suffering from severe pain in my right leg. Instead of going to a doctor to find out what the hell was wrong, I chose to try to medicate away the pain. This went on for about a month all the while the pain is steadily getting worse.
I need to tell you that while I was in pain, I couldn’t stand on my leg. I had to keep it elevated off the ground. Yet I still did not seek medical help. Finally when the pain became too much to bear, I went to the emergency room. There wasn’t much they could do so they gave me a referal to see a vascular specialist the next day.
Of course I went home and used but I did go the next day. After I went to pick up my check. So the specialist puts this goo on my leg and use a hand held sonar type thing. Just like they do for women when they are checking a fetus. They tell me to get dressed and wait. So I do.
Next thing I know they are rolling in a gurney telling me to lay down we have to admit you. I ask why and the doctor comes in and says “You have a blood clot in your leg and it’s possible that it could break free and travel to you lungs and kill you.
You would think that after hearing what the doctor said that I would’ve been terrified. The only thing I could think about was Damn now I can’t get high. I gotta be stuck here in this fucking hospital. I know, I know. Crazy right. But that’s not the half of it.
So after they wheel me down to the emergency room I speak to another doctor and he tells me how serious this is and they want all my insurance and other info. So now I am really getting antsy. So I began to tell this doctor that before I am admitted that I need to go get my kids from school and have someone watch them. He said ok but please make sure you come back.
To make a long story short. I left the hospital went to cop some crack, packed a little bag and went back to the hospital. What about the kids you ask.. Oh I forgot..I don’t have any kids. It was all bullshit just so I could use. I spent that night smoking crack in the hospital. A week later I was released only to continue on my road to madness.
I was so locked and loaded, caught up in the grips of the insanity of my addiction. That I didn’t even care that the blood clot could’ve killed me, either on the way to get drugs or when I was using them while in the hospital. It didn’t even cross my mind.
My addiction took me to many different places. None of them good. I just wanted to die and tried in more ways than one.
Thank you for allowing me to share some of my insanity. I appreciate all of you who read my blog, comment and for everyone’s support and encouraging words. I wouldn’t be able to do any of this without you.
Peace and Blessings