I remember growing up and always feeling less than. I grew up in a family that was not rich but not considered poor. When my parents split, my mother struggled to get by. I wanted things. I always looked at myself as poor because I didn’t have the things others had. I didn’t have the clothes, sneakers, money. All those external things that I thought would make me happy. I realize today that I blamed my Mother for years for my troubles and for eventually abandoning me.
I never looked at the part I played in her decision to send me to live with my father.
My feelings didn’t change much when I moved with my Father either. I still wanted things, I was still trying to fill a void with stuff. I didn’t realize then that I would never be satisfied. That dressing up the outside and having stuff was not the answer to what was ailing me. So I began to blame him too. I would place the blame on several other people to as the years went by.
It was always something or someone elses fault. It was this false belief system that kept nagging at me and helping to fuel my feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and uselessness. It was my thinking that was destroying me from the inside out.
I didn’t understand then what I am learning now in recovery. By doing some work on myself I am able to recognize the part that I played then and am playing today. I am learning how to identify feelings and express myself in a healthy manner. I am not who others say I am. I am not useless, hopeless or worthless. I am not how I dress or how much money I have.
I do not have to impress anyone or be better than anyone other than the person I was yesterday. Healing myself begins and ends with me. I am responsible for my recovery, happiness, health, wellness, spiritual condition, struggles or lack there of. I am responsible for me.
I know that its a inside job.
Peace and Blessings