CHANGE COMES FROM WITHIN


Looking back on the last couple of years I am grateful for my recovery process. I have made some major changes in the way that I live and I have grown as a result. In order for you to understand where I am today, I have to give you some background on where I have come from.

I started on my road to addiction back in 1978 I was 12 years old and I was already a alcoholic. I had my first drink somewhere around the age of 9 or 10 but It was in full swing by the time I reached 12. No matter how hard my mother tried I could not and would not stop drinking, I had to drink and all I wanted to do was drink. Needless to say drinking led to many problems and my drug use excalated to a variety of other illegal drugs. I used everything and anything and when it was gone I still wanted more. My life revolved around using and getting and using more. I had lost all hope and believed that I would die a addict.

obsession – the domination of one’s thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea,image, desire, etc.                               compulsion – a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act,especially one that is irrational or contrary to one’s will.

I was suffering from obsession and compulsion long before my addiction to drinking but I didn’t know anything about obsession and compulsion back then. I only learned about it recently in recovery and it helped to explain a lot of things.

I was at a point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I tried unsuccessfully many times to quit using and was ready to try anything. I came into recovery back in 2011 after using and abusing drugs for over 37 years. Although I knew that I needed help with my addiction I still chose to hang around people, places and things and as a result of that I continued to use. It took a few more whippings for me to finally understand that I could not use and win. That using was not the answer to anything and that If I continued to use, I would die.

I went in and out of recovery for a couple of years and then finally surrendered. I remembered thinking that surrender was for suckers. That I would never give up or be a quitter. That attitude almost killed me. Today I know different. I know that in order for me to win, I had to quit. I had to change in order to survive.

Change was new, different and scary. But it was oh so necessary. I did the same things over and over for the majority of my life. I suffered the consequences of that vicious cycle for years. The fear of trying something new kept me stuck in that cycle but something deep down inside me knew that I was at the end of my rope and if I didn’t do something different I would definetly die as a result of my drug use. I made myself a deal, I would try one last time and if it didn’t work then I would go away to a treatment facility so I could get a jump start on gathering some clean time. This time around it was different, I was different. I had a urgency to stay clean. I had the desire and the willingness to do whatever it took to stay away from drugs. I wanted what others in recovery had and so I had to do what others in recovery were doing.

I began by paying attention and participating in the meetings that I was attending. I took the suggestions of members who had substantial clean time and were working the program sucessfully. I began to notice before long that I was accumulating some clean time. I was finally able to string together more than 3 days. My attitude and behavior began to change and I was open to new things. I began to feel, act, talk and behave differently and as a result I began to think different. I began to feel comfortable around other people and no longer felt like a lonely outsider. I was a part of something and it felt great.

All my life I felt like I didn’t belong and now I finally found somewhere that I did belong. People welcomed me and actually wanted me to be around, They wanted to know how I was doing and really listened when I spoke. I kept coming back and I am still a part of. I changed the people, places and things and my life began to change. I am growing every day from the inside out. I am beginning to learn who the real me is, what I like, what I do not like. I am learning that no matter what happens in my daily life, there is no reason for me to use drugs. My life has done a complete 360 as a direct result of making some changes. I am still growing and learning and I will for the rest of my days. I am forever grateful for this amazing life saving process called recovery.

My name is Eric Ease. I am a grateful recovering addict. I have 18 months and 2 weeks and 3 days clean.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

5 thoughts on “CHANGE COMES FROM WITHIN

  1. I sooo love you guys!! All I can say is this: When the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain to change.only then will we do something different. Bless _/l\_

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey Eric. You have come a long way my friend, and you are a bridge for others to travel from O/C to recovery. As they see you, others will realize they can walk across that bridge, with you as a guard rail also. God’s Blessings Eric..

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  3. Good Morning Eric. I was just explaining to someone about obsession and compulsion last night. It’s so hard to explain it to someone who isn’t an addict or alcoholic. People just don’t understand the why’s of us who went in and out of recovery, who kept using inspite of the absolutely mess we had made of our lives, inspite of the horrific consequences, etc… I’m grateful for recovery to. There is a way if we work at it. For me I kept NOT taking suggestions. I stayed dishonest. Until I completely surrendered I was doomed to keep repeating the insanity. I had to point blank a friend of my who is currently homeless because she just wouldn’t take the suggestions. I told her “I’ve told you a million times what will work, enough of the pity party, enough of the blame game, enough of the lies.” I completely understand where’s she’s at because that was so me. At this point all I can do is pray for her. Grateful I’m in recovery. Thanks again for an excellent blog my friend.

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    • Thank you Vicky. I am also grateful. I know exaxtly where your friend is at too because I have also lived that. It is very difficult to try to make others understand the obsession and compulsion that addicts suffer through. I can only hope and pray that I continue to live positively and be a light for those who are suffering from active addiction. I know all too well what can and will happen when I stop taking suggestions and think I have everything under control. I appreciate your support, kind words and encouragement Vicky and for always sharing some of yourself with me and everyone else. Peace and Blessings my friend.

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