I am responsible for my recovery, my happiness, my responsibilities, my life. I cannot rely on anyone to do anything for me. It is my journey and mines alone.
I am not saying that I don’t need help along the way. That would be dishonest. I would be lying to not only you but to myself. If I believed that I would be doing a gigantic disservice to myself. I would be once again saying that I can do this by myself and I don’t need you. That would also imply control. I know what happens when I begin to think that I am in control.
What I am saying is, I cannot depend on others to do for me what I need to be doing for myself. I cannot think that anyone can live my life for me. I also cannot live the life you want me to live. I have to find my own way. Find what works and doesn’t work for me and grow at my own pace not anyone else’s.
I cannot pretend to be further along than I am in my process. I cannot live in the future, when I am just beginning to learn how to stay in the present.
I am right where I need to be and I am happy with that.
Peace and Blessings
I’ve heard it said over and over that feelings aren’t facts.
I am having trouble with that one.
Feelings are facts. I’ve been stabbed, that shit hurt. I was in pain. I felt pain. Its a fact that I was in pain. There no denying that.
On the flipside of the coin
I have always had feelings of worthlessness, uselessness and hopelessness does that mean that I am worthless, useless and hopeless? NO those feelings are NOT facts. Those are feelings brought on by my fear of success, my fear of trying something new or my fears of moving forward in general. Being that in my active addiction I failed at some things my disease (my own thinking) would love for me to believe that I will fail at everything I ever try. That I might as well not even bother.
All to often when I was using I believed those lies. Those feelings of being inadequate, useless and worthless. I allowed my fears to keep me pinned down as if I was in a fire fight with a enemy sniper. Those feelings kept me using more and more to try to cover up those feelings.
Using because of uncomfortable feelings, to try to cover up uncomfortable feelings. Damn confusing aint it.
Today I am grateful that I do not allow my feelings to dictate my thoughts and turn into negative actions. Feelings were a trigger for me. Today I am aware of this and I discuss what I am feeling with others.
Peace and Blessings